


The spaces between our fingers make my heart beat slow

by NishinoyasBae



Series: Gays in Volleyball shorts [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied Relationships, M/M, Rare Pair, Training Camp, Volleyball gays, camp fic, gays, i love them, these boys dont get enough ship love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:44:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10033970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NishinoyasBae/pseuds/NishinoyasBae
Summary: "What do you mean?""I don't know what I mean, all I know is that I can't stop thinking about you and that I don't want to!"





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like these two little gay bois don't get enough love so here is a cute little gay fic with lots of angst and love and teenage lust.

Touching him felt like the most natural thing in the world.  
Or, I suppose it would be. If I have ever touched him in the sense that isn’t the literal and occasional hand on shoulder pats. 

“Suga-san, no mean for disrespect, but why do I have to sit here?” Tanaka mock gasps at my question, Suga and Daichi -one giving me a small smile and the other giving me an awkward glance- watch Tanaka and I for a moment before deciding to reply.

“Due to this morning’s incident, we decided that some separation between Tanaka and Nishinoya would make a safer and more quiet trip,” Suga explains, giving his signature smile that squishes his cheeks up to his eyes and looking so adorable that I can’t tell him that this is dangerous for my well-being. Too close. Too close to Tanaka. 

“That’s what you think,” Tanaka mutters, taking a deep breath and calling out towards the back of the bus where Nishinoya and Asahi are seated. “I WILL FIGHT MY WAY BACK TO YOU, NOYA-SAN! OUR LOVE IS ETERNAL!” I roll my eyes, sinking into my seat.

“I WILL FIGHT THE BRAVEST WARRIORS, WALK THE DRYEST DESSERTS TO BE WITH YOU, TANAKA-SAN!” Before Daichi can scream I can feel my left eye twitch, head already fogged with the scent of Tanaka’s aftershave that I can’t think of what I am doing.

“Both of you keep quiet or your balls will be up in your throat!” I shout loud enough for the whole bus to hear, all conversations pulled to a stop and though we haven’t even left the school gates, I want to be home. 

“And that’s why Tanaka is sitting next to Ennoshita.” Daichi laughs behind me and I cringe, daring to look out the corner of my eye to see Tanaka’s shocked expression. 

“Bad-ass, Chika!” Noya shrills and my shoulders tense at the name. Daichi must have given one of his signature stares as the sounds cease back up. 

“Well then, who’s ready for training camp? 3 Week long edition, eh?” Takada tries to sound cheerful next to Ukai, glasses sliding to the bottom of his nose and I can already feel how long this ride is going to be. 

When no-one answers, Takada claps his hand on the back of Ukai’s shoulder, signalling our march forward. Tanaka leans back in his chair, looking out the window with a bored expression until I take out my earphones.

“Music, huh? Can I listen?” He whipped his head around so fast I fear he has whiplash and I am at a loss of what to say. Instead, I pass him an earphone and the mobile device, deciding it’d be better to let him have creative control to help him with his behaviour. From experience, I know that Tanaka becomes un-bearable when he is bored. 

Jumping back when Tanaka puts on the music, I laugh out loud, sure of people watching my laughter at the song of Tanaka’s choosing. ‘Just Right’ by Got7. And if my laughter alone wasn’t enough to gain attention, then Tanaka trying to dance along to the song while in his seat sure was. It causes my stomach to ache with delight, cheeks beginning to burn from the infectious grin and now I’m not too worried about the trip to Nekoma at Tanaka’s side. 

 

It is thirty minutes into the trip when Tanaka feel asleep to the sound of ‘Catch Me When I Fall’ by Luhan, head bobbing with the bumps of the road, tipping his head too far to the right, laying slightly on my shoulder. My heart thuds deep in my chest. 

It is too many shirtless days I tell myself.  
Too many grins my way.  
Too many glances.  
Too many, too many. 

There is no other explanation for the way my heart beats at the sight of him, heart swells in my chest and the skin where we touch burns alive with nerve endings that for once in its life decides to come alive. At the touch of his skin. Of bald, loud, obnoxious, caring, beautiful, kind-hearted, warm, endearing, Tanaka. 

 

It is thirty-five minutes into the trip when I decide how absolutely screwed I am with my weird infatuation with Tanaka. 

 

It is forty minutes into the trip when I fall asleep with my head on top of Tanaka’s. 

 

When I wake at our destination, Tanaka is still asleep, drool dribbling down his chin onto my white shirt and Suga-san I standing before me, the rest of the bus empty and my mobile and earphones in his hands, smiling softly down at us.  
I go to reach for the outreached phone when the pain in my neck causes my arm to jerk, roughly throwing Tanaka off my arm and into the window. He grunts, holding his hand up to his head and looking at me with daggers in his eyes. 

I can feel it. Here it is.  
He finally hates me, I’ve been waiting for this moment, oh god. 

“I was about to tell you be careful of your neck, it might have a bit of a kink in it but I see that you’ve figured that out yourself haven’t you, Ennoshita-san?” Suga laughs, putting the mobile in my lap before disembarking off the bus.

“I’m so sorry, Tanaka-san, I swear is was an accident.” My voice comes out rushed and I’m sure it’s hard to decipher what I am saying but Tanaka boasts out his chest, grinning manically.

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to help you out with that kink later than, won’t I, Ennoshita-san?” Tanaka stands from his seat, patting my head as he passes.

He wasn’t hitting on me, was he? No, of course he isn’t, stupid. Don’t go thinking because you have some weird lesbian thing going on for Tanaka doesn’t mean he does. Lesbian? No, two guys. Gay. Gay? Why do I need to label anything? Why can’t I just stare at Tanaka and his hooked nose and his fantastically -may I say- built body and his un-even smile and think about dragging my fingertips over his muscles and it not be weird.

Never mind. I heard it. It’s weird.

My phone dings in my shaking hands and I thank the lord above.  
Someone wants me to get my mind off a certain Wing Spiker. 

It’s from Suga-san? An attached image?  
I almost scream, hand covering my mouth to muffle the sounds even though I am alone. 

It’s Tanaka and I, head on his as he leans against me, ankle hooked around mine and arm thrown carelessly around my waist, every part of him touching me, his shirt risen at his side to expose warm, tan skin as his body curves into mine. I ache to touch it, to feel the heat radiating off him.

Don’t be so weird, Ennoshita. No wonder people don’t talk to you. I close the image before I can think better of it and save it and do something stupid like make it my screen saver. 

I hide my phone away in my bag, almost afraid that people will look at my phone and instantly know of my dirty little secret. I jump off the bus, running past Tanaka, Nisinoya and Asahi and I can feel their eyes on me as I catch up to Kinoshita and Narita, wordlessly joining them. 

Nekoma is much larger than Karasuno, especially with its extra block of buildings just for overnight – or in our case, weekly – camps of any kind. The club follows behind Suga and Daichi who follow behind Takada and Ukai who follow behind the ever so boisterous Kuroo and Bokuto.

We’re led to a large room on the first floor of the three-story building, the room three doors down from the front verandah. Several futons are laid out with plenty of space between them and my face heats up. Oh, god, I am going to be seeing a lot of shirtless Tanaka in this room. 

Daichi calls out sleeping arrangements and one by one, everyone goes to their futon to start getting ready for training today and as I am one of the last few to be called, I pray to NOT be put next to Tanaka.

“Ennoshita, you’re next to- “please not Tanaka, please not Tanaka. “ME!” Nishinoya boasts, jumping up into my field of vision. I give a slight sigh of relief, feeling my shoulder’s drop with their weight. 

‘Alright, Nishinoya-san, let’s get ready for practice.” I say, smiling with him as we walk to the far end of the room and he continues to exclaim how awesome our practice matches are going to be today. 

“Yeah, and Ryuu is going to show those other teams what kind of ace he can be!” Nishinoya pushes his chest out as though he is gloating, interrupted by a hesitant tap on the shoulder and a gentle giant with his shoulders hunched in, index finger raised in question.

‘Actually, I am the ace, Nishinoya.” Asahi speaks in a timid voice, the top of his ears turning pink.

“I know that Asahi, but Ryuu will be ace next year! He’s got to show them what he’s made of!” Noya raises his fist in the air, shouting loud enough to be heard by Tanaka who takes his shirt off, spinning it in circles above his head as he cheers loudly. 

“Tanaka, put your shirt back on!” Daichi and I yell to him, watching as he cringes, eyes going between the two of us and putting his shirt back on slowly, under two sets of watchful eyes. 

“Alright, hurry up guys, we’re headed out in 5 minutes!” Suga claps happily, sliding back into the room so gracefully that it surprises me that he even left, already dressed in his uniform.

“Oiiiiii!” Hinata and Kageyama shout, already dressed and running out the door, Daichi running behind them screaming, “he said 5 minutes, dumbasses!” Suga gives us all a smile, picking up Daichi’s uniform, walking out the door before turning his head back to us.

“5 minutes guys,” he exits the room, sliding the door shut behind him. 

I walk away from Nishinoya and Asahi who begin to talk quietly to each other, Noya putting his hand on Asahi’s forearm and it all seems to personal for me to witness. I dig into the bottom of my bag, sliding my shirt over my head and trying to hide myself as I pull up my shorts, not wanting to bring any attention to myself when Tanaka appears in front of me, shirtless, shorts on and hands on his hips, the spikes of his shaven head almost glowing with the sun’s silhouette behind him. 

“C-can I help you, Tanaka-san?” I stand, aware of the slight sliver of skin showing between my shorts and boxers and I hurriedly pull them up, blushing as he stares at me, expressionless.

“Are you mad at me for some reason?” Blunt as ever, Tanaka-san. I shrivel in on myself, feeling small under his stare. 

“Why would you think that?” I can tell how quiet I am and I can see the knit in his eyebrows lessen, body language grow slack.

“You just…keep- you just keep yelling at me and I’m getting mixed messages. I thought we were supposed to be a team. Captain,” he lightly punches my upper arm, “vice-captain-”

“We’re not actually the captain and vice-captain- “

“I know that Ennoshita, but everyone reckons we will be and if that’s the case, we need to work together and you can’t keep yelling at me in front of my Kohi’s becomes they won’t take me seriously next year.” Tanaka leans back against the wall as though he has suddenly become exhausted, rubbing his rough hands over his shaven head. I never thought of it that way, that he might be feeling victimized. It was always just a way to tell myself that he’s too childish, too obnoxious, too-too…too Tanaka and that I should stop with these little fantasies. Maybe I took it too far? Maybe I should focus on giving myself discipline for my filth-ridden mind and not Tanaka? 

“I’m sorry, Tanaka, I didn’t mean to make you feel victimized.” I bow my head shamefully, cheeks burning with shame. I jump when I feel a hand slap my shoulder, looking up to see Tanaka smiling widely.

“No problem, Enno! Gotta get ready now, huh?” Without giving me a chance to respond he runs out of the room, Nishinoya in tow and I see Asahi looks how I feel. Confused as heck.

 

After our drills of diving and our drills of spiking, it’s time for the actual matches, the main crew facing the net. Hinata, Kageyama, Daichi, Asahi, Tsukishima and Tanaka stand awaiting, their nerves reaching the team on the outside and I can feel my heart lighten at Tanaka’s cheers.

“Still got that crush?” Narita sings behind me, a smirk on his smug face and I feel my mood deflate.

“It’s not a crush.” I mumble, shoulders shrinking in on myself and I can hear Narita and Kinoshita laugh behind me.

“Must be something strong to bring a boner in your pants every-time you see him shirtless,” Kinoshita begins when a whistle goes off and Tanaka throws his fist in the air with his shirt off his chest, scoring the first point of the day. Paranoid of Kinoshita’s comment, I look down to almost sigh in relief when I see no boner in my pants.

“He totally has a crush.” Narita nudges me with his closed fist and I feel myself turn red for the thousandth time today, burning even brighter when I see Tanaka look my way for a slight second before the back of his head is slapped by Daichi, scolded for his bare chest. It rises a bubble of laughter in my chest and I can’t control it, fingers placed over my mouth as my other arm is wrapped around my middle, laughing so loud that all the players on the court – my own team included – turn to face me.

“I said a funny joke. Must have been funnier than I thought.” Narita smirks, throwing his elbow on my shoulder as I attempt to stifle my laughter, hand held tight against my mouth. Slowly, they all begin to turn away, focusing on the game and that’s when I notice Suga’s sly smile. I lower my head, laughter dying out as I realise the situation. 

My secret crush is not so secret anymore. Not only did Narita and Kinoshita figure it out but now Suga has figured it out too. I need to think this through, I can’t keep focusing on Tanaka in the matches, I should be focusing on the team as a whole, maybe then it wouldn’t be so obvious if I wasn’t staring at his biceps…or his thighs, or his shoulders or his back – and this is where I need to stop, dear god. 

I am distracted once again by the sound of cheers, signalling another victorious score by Karasuno, this time by the dynamic duo. The on-court team huddle together with shouts and praises and my heart swells at the sight. It’s not just Tanaka, but everyone else too. Hinata’s watering eyes, Asahi’s flushing face, Kageyama’s tall stance, Daichi’s proud smile and then there’s Tanaka and his gloating chest. All boys make me so damn proud, so, that’s what I should focus on, not just Tanaka.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

 

Based on Kiyoko-san’s statistics, we won 60% of our games today, although, that didn’t stop our chests and leg’s from hurting with the drills faced by the other 40%. 

The sky has turned dark with the time turning to 7pm and the rest of the team sags with exhaustion. Bad thing for them is we have an hours’ worth of studying to do tonight before we sleep thanks to Takeda and his wonderful compromising skills. The team can leave school for 3 weeks if there is at least 1 hour of studying done each night. The principle is selfish in this way, preferring the students to excel in sports academics to bring in sponsors rather than having us excel in academics. Somehow though, all our parents are okay with it. 

“That’s a wrap for today, boys. Hit the showers then hit the books, lights out at 11.” Ukai lights a cigarette, hovering near the front porch steps while the team passes him by, every single member radiating excitement, especially Tanaka. He’s bouncing around, flexing his biceps, and hugging everyone he encounters. I walk with my head down, avoiding contact with Tanaka and it’s succeeds, he goes past me without a care, bumping into Narita before attempting to lift Asahi, the gentle giant too anxious to say anything. I walk ahead, not wanting to admit to myself that I am jealous, jealous of what I am unaware? My body burns in envy, why can’t his arms be wrapped around me? Why can’t I be held to his chest? Why can’t I hear his heart beating low in his chest while mine is desperately trying to claw its way out of my chest and into his?

“We’ll meet you in the shower, Ennoshita.” I am brought from my internal war by Kinoshita, speaking with his eyes meeting mine and I realise that we are back in the room, everyone leaving besides us with their pyjamas in their hands. I nod, afraid of what my voice will sound like if I speak and kneel before my bag. I need to busy myself. Just enough so that I will be alone in the showers. I need time to myself. 

I start with my textbooks, organising them for afterwards, tonight’s focus: Science. I gather my highlighters and black inked pens, forming them all neatly in a singular row. By the time I become picky with my placements and have changed the arrangement for the 3rd time, my team-mates start to emerge, freshly showered and smelling of soap, laughing at a joke Nishinoya made. 

“Ennoshita, you really should shower, you’re starting to stink up the place!” Nishinoya winks as if to say, ‘hey, I’m joking, don’t take me seriously’ and I roll my eyes, picking up my pyjamas and walking past, getting clapped on the back by Daichi and a small smile by Suga. The hallways are empty, my footsteps echoing as I walk down the narrow way and into the showers, feeling my shoulders drop as the tension leaves my body, a soft sigh escaping my lips. 

Triggered.  
Tension builds again, so fast I swear my body gains whiplash even whilst staying still.

If I thought Tanaka’s ass is cut in his gym shorts, (which, let’s face it, of course I did) then staring at his bare ass is the most sculpted and round and perfect thing that my eyes will ever lay on. 

He’s softly humming. Softly. A word I never would’ve thought I’d use for him. It’s a soft song that I’ve never heard before but my heart is telling me it wants to be buried while listening to it. 

I move around quietly, not wanting to alert him of my presence but the idea goes out the window when the shower knob squeaks beneath my hand. 

“Chika?”

Silence.

“Yeah,”

A breath.

“You did really well today, Tanaka. Like a true captain.” My voice comes out hoarse and I don’t know if he hears me under the thunder of water because he doesn’t answer. I wait a minute or so, loosing hope and massaging soap through my hair when he speaks again.

“You’re the captain, Chika. I’m just the side-kick,” What do you say to that? No? You could never be the side-kick? You’re too handsome and kind and energetic and generous and everything kind under the golden sun to be any kind of second person? 

“Chika?” I spin around at the sound of my name so close and I hold onto the wall for support.

“Jesus, Tanaka! At least give a man some warning before you parade your junk around!” I spin around to avoid staring directly down at his…little Tanaka.

“Sorry,” I can hear the burn rising to his cheeks and I feel his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I was wondering if you could get my back? Noya was meant to help but he rushed out pretty quick.” Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. It’s okay. Everything’s all right. Tanaka’s just asking me to intentionally touch his toned, tan, wet skin. Oh, dear god, Tanaka is asking me to touch him. What do I do, do I do it? 

“Can you help, Chika?” 

Breathe in, breathe out.

“Sure, just turn around first.”

“Okay, captain!”

I close my eyes tight, lifting my head to catch the heat of the water, rubbing my hands over my face. Turning around, I suck in a sharp breath. His back is even more glorious than I could have ever possibly imagined. Toned and golden and oh god, warm to the touch. My fingertips brush against the small dip in his back, feeling his body get shivers with the cool touch of my fingers. 

Taking the bar of soap, I rub it across his back, taking the time to get it all over. Tanaka lowers his head forward and I place my hands on his sides, pulling backwards as I take 3 steps back, putting us both under the running water. My hair sticks to my face, going blind with water trickling between us. With slight pressure, I wash away the soap from his back and the moment seems too intimate. What makes it more intimate? Tanaka.

He looks over his shoulder, grey eyes brewing like a storm and as he turns, the hands that were on his sides drag across his stomach, firm and strong with dents where his abs stand and I raise my eyes to his chest to avoid his lower region. I can see the veins in his neck, prominent and wanting to be kissed but not by me. 

“Chika?” My heart skips a beat.  
I look up, eyes meeting his.  
Another beat.  
His eyes travel to my lips.  
Another beat.  
His head inches closer, only slightly.  
Another beat.  
So close I can feel his breath.  
Another beat.  
His eyes meet mine another time.  
Another beat.  
Holy shit he is so close I feel like my heart is giving out and I can’t breathe, dear god I can’t breathe.

“Tanaka! Dude, are you drowning in there! We gotta study, come on, bro!” I close my eyes and I feel Tanaka stiffen, uttering a word I don’t wish to repeat.

“Be there in a second.” 

He places a hand on the base of my neck, thumb making a singular swipe against my chest and then the touch is gone. 

1,

2,

3,

4,

5,

6,

7,

8,

9,

10.

I open my eyes, not surprised in the slightest to find him gone and the water turned cold.


	2. What a mess I have made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been so long for these boys and this chapter is pretty intense and has some mature language but all will turn out well!

You know that moment, when you just wake up and are blissfully unaware of all the negative things around you, of all those who are around you?   
Then you wake up, expecting to see a sleeping, loud-snoring Nishinoya but instead find a sleeping, loud-snoring, drooling Tanaka.

I scramble upright, eyes wide and pulling my sheets to my chest with my heart racing in my chest. When did this happen? I fell asleep to Nishinoya kicking me in the shins and I wake up to Tanaka’s futon pushed close to mine, hand limply fallen to my lap after it had been sitting on my chest. I can feel heat everywhere his body touches mine, hand on my lap, toes touching my ankle and I feel like a deer caught in headlights. 

“Ennoshita? Are you okay?” I look over to find Suga, it’s always Suga who finds me at my worst, and of course, he’s holding my cell phone with a mischievous grin on his face. 

“What time is it?” I press my palms to my eyes, rubbing the sleep away and dragging my hands down my face. 

“7:30, rise and shine, sleeping beauty.” He smiles, dropping the phone to my side, stepping over me and being replaced by Nishinoya, already dressed in his uniform and kneeling to my level.

“Sorry about not giving you any warning, Tanaka’s a clingy sleeper and it makes Asahi uncomfortable so he asked me to swap.” Noya glances down, no trace of shame or regret anywhere on his face and I bow my head, eyes closed tight and breathing deep. I don’t want to touch him but he is so close, touching me. He’s radiating warmth and I feel it in the core of my stomach where I lay cold and dreading the day ahead. I need to move his arm…and his foot and oh god-

He’s holding me, he’s wrapped himself around me and his head on my thigh and dear god he is so close to parts that I don’t want him to wake up.

“Can someone help me please?” My eyes are wide, fear locking my body and everyone, I mean everyone turns and looks, stifling their laughter behind their hands and I hear the shutter of a camera. My eyes find Nishinoya kneeling next to me once more, phone in his hand and a grin on his face.

“Told you he was a clingy sleeper.” He kicks forward, hitting Tanaka in the shin – which is ironic because that is how I fell asleep – and Tanaka flails backwards, grunting and not seeming to want to open his eyes, burying his head into the pillow.

“Wake up you fucker-“ Nishinoya is nudging Tanaka’s side with his foot when Daichi slaps Noya upside the head.

“Leave him alone, Nishinoya. Tanaka, get up, get dressed, we’re leaving in 15 minutes.” Daichi walks out the door, the team, all dressed in their joggers and sweats, follow behind him. It leaves only Tanaka and I in the room. I get up, moving around quietly and quickly, pulling my shirt over my head and kneeling to my bag, looking through for my running clothes when I hear rustling behind me. 

Tanaka is laying on his stomach, arms folded beneath the pillow and his head on his side, eyes following my every move and I feel my skin grow warm, ears turn red and a tsunami of pterodactyl’s swarming in my stomach.

“About last night-“ I begin to say, voice quiet, looking down at my lap where my fingers lay tangled together.

“We don’t need to talk about it. Nothing happened, we don’t need to act like something did.” Tanaka pushes himself up, shirt off and boxers pulled up to rest high on his thigh from tossing and turning in the night and while he puts on sweats my heart is breaking in two, dread filling my stomach and I can’t help the tears falling from my eyes. My hands push around my bag, acting like I’m searching for a shirt rather than my dignity and my sanity.   
I jump as the door is slammed shut, letting the tears freely fall and I pull a shirt to my face, screaming loudly, so loud that my throat throbs and my knuckles turn white, feeling as though they are about to split and blister and I want nothing more than to break something, anything. 

But I breathe, feeling my heart begin to fall back to its original beat and my blood running back through to my hands. When I know that I look presentable enough, I change into my shorts and my hoodie, getting up and walking out the door to the front porch where the team, including Tanaka are doing stretches and exercises. 

“Took you long enough, princess, let’s go!” Nishinoya punches my arm lightly, grin taking up his whole face and I nod, stretching my arms before we start running down the street and I wonder if I should run into oncoming traffic. 

 

Something is wrong and Suga knows it.   
Not only are his eyes watching me closely but every now and again, they watch Tanaka and he looks how I feel. Off game.   
Tanaka missed a spike that he could do in his sleep and his cheeks are red and blistering from the amount of times he has slapped his face. 

“I wonder what’s wrong with him,” Narita mumbles to Kinnoshita, both obviously aware that something happened between us two as they both draw their eyes to me, same as Suga. 

Tanaka fails a block which scores a point for the other team and he lands on his knees, slapping his cheeks again and Asahi hesitates to touch his shoulder for reassurance and comfort and when he does, it is smacked away, leaving Asahi teary-eyed and gobsmacked. And Nishinoya is off.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Where is your head at? You can’t go around treating people like that just because you’re pms-ing, especially Asahi you fucker!” Nishinoya’s voice comes out bigger than his body, making people retreat from the scene. Everyone except Daichi. He blocks Nishinoya’s path, pulling him back by the waist and whispers something into his ear and I follow where his eyes lead.

Asahi, shrivelled in at the shoulders and head bowed and his body quaking with quiet sobs. Ignoring his fury at Tanaka, Noya rushes over to the gentle giant, only hitting his chest when he tries to lift Asahi’s chin to look into his eyes and the scene seems so intimate and when I look away, I notice Tanaka’s eyes on me, only for a moment before rubbing his palm along the back of his head. 

“Take a break, get some air, have some water. We need you at 100%. Be thankful this isn’t nationals.” Daichi’s voice is harsh and Tanaka flinches, head bowed as he stalks out of the gym, doors slamming behind him. The atmosphere remains tense and silent until it is broken by Ukai.

“Ennoshita, you’re taking over from Tanaka, hop to it.” His voice seems to swallow me whole, dread weighing me down and Kinnoshita has to give me a push forward to finally make the first move. All eyes are on me as I stumble forward. It doesn’t feel right. This is Tanaka’s spot. He should be the one playing.

Daichi claps my back when I walk past, causing my body to tense even more than it is, hands tangled together as I take my position, moments before the whistle blows. 

 

15 minutes into the game shows very little improvement.  
I’ve scored twice, however, I’ve missed seven times. This is not my best and it is not a good scene for Coach Ukai, he will now never let me play ever again. He might even kick me off the team. And maybe he should, I am playing clumsily, body covered in bruises by falling over rather than actually hitting the ball. I’m not even good at volleyball, nor am I a good asset to the team. I never provide ideas or game-play. I wouldn’t blame Ukai for throwing me off the team and I wouldn’t blame Daichi if he came clean and told me I would be a terrible captain. I’d throw the team off a cliff, I know it. 

“Ennoshita, stop thinking with your head, let your body do the work. You know this system better than anyone, come on.” My eyes look to Daichi who is behind me, legs spread apart and crouched, arms outstretched in position and I nod once, re-creating the same pose, and staring ahead. From the other side of the court, Oikawa grins at me, claiming me as the weak link and I can almost feel Daichi’s back tightening from here, eyes staring daggers into Oikawa’s skull. Both teams go silent, feeling the tension between both team captains and just from that one interaction, the stakes are high. Oikawa bounces the ball three times, spinning it in his hands and then throwing it in the air, running forward and with powerful force, sends it over to our side of the net. Asahi attempts to block the ball, but it pushes past his fingers, sending it towards the right, to the bare spot just before me. 

This is it. If you make this one shot you are redeemed. I dive forward, chest and elbows slamming hard onto the ground with impact, the wind getting knocked out of me and my hands form a fist just as the ball slams into my thumbs, the motion causing my head to hit the ground as the ball spins back into the air. Kageyama gets into position, Hinata running from one end of the court to the other and Kageyma tosses the ball behind him, Hinata spiking it and when the ball slams onto the other team’s court, there are rising shouts from outside. 

Our victory is short lived as Ukai warns for a time out, the team running towards the sound and its where we find Nishinoya on the ground, blood dribbling down the side of his face as he gets up, grabbing a fuming Tanaka around the waist and throwing him down, alarming me when Tanaka gets his head slammed into the grass and my body is frozen, too shocked to stop them as Nishinoya throws his fist back and slams it down onto Tanaka’s face, the impact throwing his head to the side with a grunt and its only when Suga begins to pull me away that I realise I have been whimpering, hands covering my mouth and Daichi charges forward, pulling Nishinoya off of Tanaka, his arms and legs flailing and a guy from Nekoma races to Tanaka, holding him down as he attempts to make contact with Nishinoya once more and it’s the first time I see his face as he begins to get surrounded by people from other teams. The left side of his face is turning a dark shade of purple, his eye swelling and blood seeming to be a permanent fixture to the space between his mouth and his nose. 

My heart catches in my throat when two boys from the Nekoma team have to hold Tanaka down with him pushing against them with all his might, screaming profanities that none of us understand towards Nishinoya. 

“Everyone back in the gym!” Coach Ukai’s voice rises above the crowd, ushering the Karasuno team into the building. My eyes find Asahi, tears falling freely down his cheeks and his arms folded around himself. Suga follows my line of vision and I can see the hurt on his face.

“Go to him, I’m okay.” I give Suga a small nudge and he gives me a smile, jogging over to Asahi, stopping for a bottle of water first and making Asahi sit down and from here I can see them doing breathing exercises together and I’m distracted when Daichi wonders back in, looking around and stopping when his eyes find mine. He makes his way over and I notice everyone looking his way. Daichi oozes confidence, his presence is known and respected upon our volleyball community. 

“You feeling okay?” He stops before me, looking down to my height and I shrug, giving a small, weak smile.

“Doing the best I can, Captain.” Daichi stays silent, eyes wondering to everyone on the Karasuno team, lingering a moment longer on Asahi and Suga and I know that’s his next target.

“I never got to congratulate you on your last save. You did really well, I strongly believe I am passing the captaincy onto the right player next year,” I can feel my cheeks grow warm, dread filling my stomach and I say nothing, looking at my tennis shoes kick against the floor. “They’re getting cleaned up then being sent back to cabin. Can I trust you to be a mediator, Captain?” 

I finally look him into his eyes, brown eyes emitting warmth back into my body that dropped cold at his words. “Sure.” My mouth dries out, not able to say anything else.

“Maybe you should head over now, don’t want another fight to happen before you even get there.” I nod, starting a run out of the gym doors and down the pathway towards the team cabin and I make it just as the two arrive with Takeda between them, scowls on their face. I watch from a distance as Takeda talks to them in hushed voices, both boys avoid looking at each other and Takeda glances my way, saying his last words before moving back towards the gymnasium. They both head inside and I begin to worry, stepping forward when Tanaka comes back out, sitting on the front porch step, and pulling a packet of cigarettes out from behind him.

My breath catches in my throat, watching as he puts the butt in his mouth, leaning forward and cupping the cigarette and setting it alight, like a true pro. Everything I thought I knew flies out of my head. Do I even know the boy who I believe holds my heart in his hands? Do I know anything about him? 

I move toward him, his eyes drifting upwards and a frown appears on his face.

“You’re not Daichi.” His words are curt, hurtful. I’m not who he expected, not who he wanted.

“No, I’m not. Since when did you smoke?” I look away when his eyes, grey like a brewing storm, stare me down, hands folded behind my back and I am suddenly afraid. 

“Since I wanted to, why don’t you annoy Nishinoya or something,” It wasn’t a question, nor a statement, just an empty remark. I try to think of anything to reply but he beats me to it. “Listen, Ennoshita, instead of you standing here moping about my smoking and trying to act like you’re above me and all that bullshit, why don’t you just fuck off?” I step back as Tanaka stands, body right in my vicinity and my heart snaps right in half, wanting to fall to my knees and hold the shattered pieces in my hands.

“This isn’t you. You’re in a bad mood or something.” I shake my head, looking at his torn shoes and grassy shins. 

“You’re wrong. This is me, you know nothing about me, Chika.” He takes another step forward and I take another back, anger forming deep in my stomach and I slap the cigarette out of his hands, stomping it into the dirt. Tanaka shoves me back, the touch that once gave me shivers now giving me deadly chills.

“I know that you’re a scared little boy who doesn’t know who he is so he takes it out on everybody else, throwing punches to feel like a man. Guess what, Tanaka? That doesn’t make you a man. It makes you a coward.” I dare to step closer, pushed right up against him and Tanaka scoffs.

“I’d rather be a coward than a fag. I see the way you look at me, thinking you’ve kept it a big secret but everybody knows. Everybody knows that you’re a dick loving faggot.” Yesterday his eyes were warm and now? And now they are cruel. 

“Well I suppose you won’t have to worry about that anymore. Trust me, now all I feel for you is disgust.” His features drop, sudden realisation striking him and I shove his shoulder with mine, walking into the house as the rest of the team wonder over, confusion all over their faces and its right here, right now that I make a promise to myself on those front porch steps.

They say the heart wants what it can’t have. And I suppose that’s right.   
For so long I wanted nothing more than Tanaka’s love and affection and now, it’s like he’s blown out a candle deep in me, feeling nothing but darkness towards him.  
I promise that I will never let Tanaka close enough to my heart to ever break it ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! I know it has been 2 months I am so sorry!  
> I will be updating more frequently now I swear it by gosh there is no excuse!
> 
> I hope you guys like it, I know it is very angsty and seems like nothing can happen now but trust me, some pretty awesome stuff is going to happen, very slowly though, gotta let this plot thicken and build. 
> 
> I feel like the chapter is only small but it was 7 pages long in Microsoft Word :(
> 
> Let me know what other pairs you want to see in this fic, so far we have seen Asahi x Nishinoya but let me know if you want any other rare-pairs (kinda lowkey obsessed with Suga x Oikawa)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy and keep coming back for more :)  
> If you want to fangirl with me on my tumblr:
> 
> nishinoyasbae.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3: Oh how I have come to love 4 am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically our boy Ennoshina is getting some

I thought I would feel different.   
More empowered, confident.  
That is not the way I feel.   
In fact, I don’t really feel anything except drained, empty.

Snores fill the silence, shuffling, scratching of clothes distract me from my thoughts. It has long since become dark and I cannot sleep, too afraid of the demons that’ll haunt me once my guard is down. My body is filled with too much anxiety to even think about closing my eyes. 

It’s 4 in the morning and there are 3 empty futons that my heart skips a beat. Tanaka and Nishinoya. Have they gotten into another fight? Is Tanaka okay? I have to scold myself, giving my hair a small, hard tug to get a grip. Remember, he made fun of you. He made you feel worthless and that is not okay. And it isn’t okay.

Clumsily, I stand, almost falling over with how numb my legs have become, leaving the room and sliding the door behind me as quietly as I can. 

There are no sounds within the house, aside from the drum of the fridge and a flickering light at the end of the hall, a calling scene to every horror movie killer, yet, I am not afraid. I pass room by room with no sign of life when I see his figure in the dark, sitting on those front porch steps. 

“So, that’s where he gets it from?” 

Nishinoya shrugs, blowing out the smoke from his cigarette as I sit down, his head bowed. 

“Asahi doesn’t like it either.” He says simply and it’s enough for me to understand. I observe his face in the soft light the moon and the stars provide. The right side of his lip is split, swollen and blue and his cheekbone on the left side of his face is an obvious shade of purple.

“What was the fight about?” Nishinoya looks at me, golden brown eyes light a fire in me and I know from that single look, it isn’t my place to ask. I don’t deserve to know. 

“Did Tanaka say anything to you?” He continues to watch me as I look down, twiddling my thumbs, and closing my body in on itself. He waits for me to say something, probably anything. And I don’t. “Then sorry princess, can’t say nothing to ya.” I open my mouth to object when he hurridly puts out his cigarette and throws it into the bushes surrounding the porch as Asahi jogs up towards us.

“It’s 4 in the morning, why is he out running? Doesn’t he have to play today?” Nishinoya shrugs, for the second time today and he and Asahi continue to stare at each other while Asahi slows to a walk.

“He takes care of his anxiety in his own way, let’s just leave it at that.” Asahi hesitates, moving from foot to foot in his spot, looking between Nishinoya and I. I stand, understanding that their conversations always appear to be private.

“Sorry to disturb you, Nishinoya.” I bow and as I turn away, he surprised me with what he says next.

“You’re too good for this world, Ennoshita. Don’t let us tear you down.” I look over my shoulder, Asahi finally reaching Nishinoya and he looks at me with a kind smile and Nishinoya refuses to meet my eyes and that warms my heart. That statement, it came from somewhere not a lot of people see from him and he’s too shy to look at me and it’s kind’ve cute. 

As I walk away I realise that I should have brought a jumper, the air is chilly out and my sweats and loose fitting tee shirt is not enough to shield me. The school is quiet at this time of night, the trees still and I see the front gate, locked, sealing us in. 

If you were to ask me to describe the sky, I wouldn’t be able to find words. It is not dark, nor is it light. In the city the stars are masked, hiding behind city lights and night clouds, the moon barely shining through. The sight is something unlike what I see back home and it is welcomed. 

My stomach grumbles, distracting me from my thoughts and I still. Going back to the dorms may include disrupting Noya and Asahi, maybe even the rest of the team and I left my wallet back in my bag so the campus vending machines are out of the question. 

A movement ahead of me catches my hungry attention and I see a tall figure with his shoulders tucked in, hands in his jacket pockets and his shaved head baring the cold. When Tanaka sees me, he stops in his place, mouth going slightly ajar and I can feel my eyes already begin to water.

Weak, Ennoshita! He didn’t even do anything why are you about to cry?

I clear my throat, bracing my legs as I jump up onto the gate, careful of the metal spikes that are spread apart along the top of the gate, hoisting myself up and jumping down. I land slightly on my knees, feeling the graze through my sweats and I don’t look back as I walk away, understanding that I am being childish but I can’t bring myself to face him. At least not yet.

The streets are quiet, a lone car or bicycle riding past every once in a while, and bright 24 hour take-away signs hurt my head in the contrast of the dark sky. I don’t know the time and I curse myself for not bringing my phone.

What if I get murdered? No one will know where I went! Well, Tanka would know, to an extent. But what if he is the one to kill me? Don’t kid around, Ennoshita! He may hate me but not enough to kill me, right? Why am I even considering this?

I don’t know why. But in the coolness of the street, bare skin growing goosebumps and stomach churning with hunger, I remember the other night. Tanaka’s fingers tracing down my neck, my hands on his back, his lips so close to mine and I feel warm, though I shouldn’t. For a moment, I feel peace with my eyes closed, taken back in time and I need to be mad at him, but how can I when he makes me feel so warm. How can that moment be so torn and disregarded? How can that small and fragile moment be disgust for him?

“What are you doing out here?”

“What the-“ I jump when a voice appears behind me, clutching my shirt where my heart lays beneath, feeling my skin shake with that small adrenaline that comes with a jump scare. 

Kuroo Tetsuro stands before me, in his signature red nekoma shorts and a plain black shirt, hair as messy as always and breathing heavy, sweat lining his body. 

“Why is everyone out running this early?” He arches a brow, resting his hands on his hips and smiles at me with only half of his mouth.

“I don’t know who else is out running but I gotta keep in shape as team captain. You going to answer my question?” I pause as I look down at myself, still cold and still in pyjamas.

“On a walk?” It comes out as a question and Kuroo gestures forward, continuing my walk. I fall in step beside him, saying nothing for the longest while, the silence filled with early morning traffic and the sky beginning to lighten. 

My stomach churns at the knowledge that I’m walking with Kuroo and we’re saying nothing. I wring my hands in front of me, looking between him and the pavement and back towards the school that has long since become a distant memory. 

“You alright there? Looking a little nervous.” Kuroo looks down at me, proving how much taller he is than me and he is no longer smiling, face going quite grim.

“I’m fine, just need a coffee I think.” I nod, confirming to myself that yes, that’s what I need. Not Kuroo to stop walking with me in silence when I have never spoken to the boy before ever in my life. 

“Then we came to the right place.” He stops and I look up, a red neon sign above us with a cup of coffee drawn in, steam rising above. On the window it has a 24 hour sign with a caption “For the hearts that worry instead of beat”, I step back, a little gobsmacked that we stopped here right as I said the word coffee and Kuroo laughs.

“Don’t look so shocked, I figured you’d need it, you looked so out of it.” I close my mouth, nodding my head and I pat my thighs, realising I don’t have my wallet and my face must say it all.

“Don’t worry, my treat.” Kuroo opens the door, holding it open for me and leading me towards a back table with his hand on the small of my back. My cheeks grow warm and as I sit, I try to avoid eye contact with him and he smiles, fully aware of the situation. 

“What’s your poison?” I raise an eyebrow and for the twentieth time this morning, he laughs. “Coffee, how do you take it?”

“Oh, uh, black?” He tries to hide a grin.

“Are you sure about that? Because you don’t sound it.” 

I nod, lips pulled tight, telling myself off inside my head. “Yes, I’m sure.” 

“Be right back.” As Kuroo walks away, I notice the way his shoulder-blades move beneath his shirt and I can’t help but compare it to the way that Tanaka’s move. 

Stop thinking that way! You need to get over him! A clock on the wall shows the time, 5:15, and I wonder how the time went by so quickly. 

Before too long, a cup of black coffee was put before me and it looked so good against the light wood of the table and the bright lights that illuminate the room and I can’t help but think of how jealous all the Instagram users would be of the scene, wishing they could take a photo and it reminds me that I don’t even have my own phone. 

“Thank you.” Kuroo settles into his seat, slouching down and kicking his legs out, his feet tapping against my own and for a long while he stares at me. 

“Doesn’t it suck to be in love with someone who isn’t in love with you?” 

I almost spit out my drink and Kuroo belts out a laugh and hands me a napkin. I take it, wiping my mouth, and give a small cough. 

“Sorry, too soon?” I give him a glare and he grins, taking a sip of his own coffee. 

“I am not in love with him-“ I begin to defend and now it’s Kuroo’s turn to cough. 

“Now that’s bullshit and you know it.” I slink in my seat, stance the exact same as his and I begin to feel my lack of sleep. 

“I’m trying not to be.” This coffee is so not going to be enough to last me through the day.

“How’s that working for you?” 

“Why do you care?” Kuroo takes his time to respond, lips pursed in thought, spinning his coffee along the table. 

“I suppose you could say that you and I are in the same situation.” I raise an eyebrow and he says nothing more, and I understand. 

“What time will your team be expecting you back?” 

“We start training at 7:30.” He nods, and we fall into an uncomfortable silence and I shift in my seat with his eyes following my every move. 

“Would it be too invasive if I asked you out to a party tonight?” I look at him in surprise and he gives me a lopsided grin and I can’t help but smile. 

“No, I think that’s okay to ask.” He bows his head, only to look up a moment later with his hair in his eyes.

“So, there’s going to be a party tonight at my house. Would you like to come?” He leans forward, elbows on the edge and his forearms taking most of the table.

“Can’t see why not, what’s your address?” 

“Where’s your phone?”

“Why do you want my phone?”

Kuroo cocks an eyebrow and gives another lopsided grin. “To put my number in it, dumbass.”

There’s a pause. “I don’t have it with me.”

“Are you being honest or do you not want my number?”

A blush makes it’s way up my throat, settling on my cheeks and I bite the inside of my lip.

“I didn’t mean to leave the cabin but I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I didn’t think to bring my phone with me.” Kuroo nods, taking a pen out of his pockets and holds out his hand. I give him what he wants, my hand sitting in his and he begins to write in black ink.

“So you just conveniently have a pen with you wherever you go?” Kuroo lets out a small scoff like laugh, shaking his head slightly.

“You never know when you might need to put your number on a handsome boy’s hand.” His eyes meet mine and yep, the blush is here to stay. 

Somewhere in my heart, I feel like I am betraying Tanaka, though I don’t know why. He’s the one who flat out rejected me, yet I feel like I am in the wrong. How is this happening? 

Once the number is written down, I pull my hand away, giving him a small smile and trying to hide my entire face as I drink my coffee, Kuroo slowly doing the same with his own and the writing looks good on my hand, not messy or bleeding. Perfect shapes and bold against my pale skin. Kuroo watches as I look it over, relaxed in his chair.

“I mean it, I expect a text from you. Or a call, if you’re up for it.” My eyes meet his and my heart jumps in my throat.

“Your party tonight?” Once more, Kuroo leans forward, taking up the entire proximity of the table, leaning towards me and I find myself more than okay with it.

“I’ll text you the address, wouldn’t want you to forget it before tonight now, would we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how you guys like this little relationship I have going on!   
> It wont be serious bc come on- its a EnnoTana story but THE DRAMA THO!
> 
> Who do you guys think that Kuroo is in love with? I am open to any ideas if ya'll want to comment some down below and let me know what you guys think of it so far!
> 
> I am hoping to update a couple times next week bc I know I have been slack and I am hoping to change that bc I have so much planned for this fic!
> 
> Let me know some rare-pair fluff you want to be shown in the up-coming chapters and I will see what I can do putting them in for you!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Until next time :)  
> (p.s- I know its small the next one will be so much bigger I promise)


	4. This could be the start of something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boy getting hot up in here

I’m trying to study and my phone keeps going off.

 

I can tell the team is getting irritated, Daichi’s eyebrows strewn together and Suga’s lip twitching at every text tone, Nishinoya keeps glancing at me, not concerned at the text noise itself but obviously curious, Asahi beside him flinching every time the noise dings, as though it scares him. I could put it on silent, although I would forget to ever check the messages.

 

Kuroo is an inconsistent texter. He can send multiple texts at once or one large, replies straight away or can take up to 20 minutes, can use dozens of emoji’s or none at all. I never know what to expect when the phone alarms me of a new message and although it’s just a text, it’s kind of exciting.

 

 **From:** Kuroo

When are you getting here?

 

 **From:** Kuroo

The party is so boring without you here!

 

 **From:** Kuroo

Don’t be a party pooper ☹

 

 **From:** Kuroo

Hurry!

 

I give a soft laugh, looking at the time. 7:42. Training ended at 5, then dinner at 5:30, showering at 6:30 and beginning to study anytime between 7 – 7:30. I started at 6:45, only having a quick shower before studying.

 

 **To:** Kuroo

I’m studying. Be there as soon as I can.

 

He replies in an instant.

 

 **From:** Kuroo

Please hurry, Bokuto is a moron.

 

I don’t reply and I finally put my phone on silent and focusing purely on studying, the kind that you space out and blink around in a daze, seeing everyone packing away and I check the time, 8:15. Well shit.

 

 **From** : Kuroo

Hey, are you still coming? It’s getting pretty late and it takes like 20 minutes to get to my house. Unless you got lost. Did you get lost? Are you okay? I can come out and find you if you need, I am an excellent navigator after all.

 

I give a small smile and quickly type back a response.

 

 **To** : Kuroo

On my way, sorry, got distracted by my studies.

 

I neatly pack away my books and pens in a manner to make sure no page’s crinkle and no pens can bleed out onto my clothing and I check my clothing (after I put a jacket on this time, I have learned my lesson). Dark wash jeans, a white plain shirt and a red jacket with one string higher than the other and the broken zipper making it impossible to do up.

 

As I stand, I come face to face with Suga, his mouth smiling at me but his eyes are telling me something else. My phone lights up in my hand and I don’t have to look to see it’s Kuroo. Suga’s eyes follow the text, what was once a smiling mouth, now pulled to a tight line.

 

“Going somewhere?” I begin to bounce from foot to foot, my brain twisting inside of my head, trying to come up with some form of explanation and it all begins to just blurt out.

 

“I’m meeting up with Kuroo at his house with a couple of his friends and we’re going to all hang out and play video games. Or, that’s what Kuroo says we’re doing.” My eyebrows strew together, looking away for a second in embarrassment.

 

Suga is silent for a minute, quietly observing me and glancing over at Daichi before looking back towards me. “Don’t tell Daichi, okay? And be careful, Ennoshita.” My posture relaxes, only slightly, and I nod, knuckles going white with how tight they are holding my phone.

 

“Right, don’t want the captain to worry.” I give out a soft sigh, tucking my hands in my pockets and Suga grimaces.

 

“Yeah, sure, that’s right.” He pats me on the shoulder and I walk towards the door, bypassing Daichi when the door opens from the other side and I meet face to face with Nishinoya and Tanaka, their once laughing face now pulled to confusion.

 

“Going somewhere, Enno?” Nishinoya seizes me up, as though if he needed to, he’d hold me down to stop from going. My mouth goes dry, body growing rigid and I avoid all eye contact with Tanaka. When did the two of them become friendly? I thought they hated each other after their fight? The marks are still bold against Nishinoya’s pale skin and I don’t even want to look at Tanaka’s.

 

“Everything okay there boys?” A chill runs up my spine when I hear Daichi behind me.

 

“Everything’s all good, Captain.” Without looking at any of them, I push past, very aware of Tanaka’s warm skin as I pass.

 

“Ennoshita-“ Nishinoya is cut off by Suga’s calming voice and I don’t hear what is said, already running out the door and further into the school.

 

 

Getting out of the school was easy, so was finding my way past the neon signed coffee shop, but a few streets away I begin to get lost, not used to the area and I find myself calling Kuroo.

 

“Ennoshita? You nearly here?” He sounds like he was in the middle of laughing as he calls and my heart tightens, almost hanging up the phone with the catch in my throat.

 

_He’s a cool kid, so are his friends. They do cool things and date cool people and hang out with cool people. I am not cool, I am so far from cool, what do I even say? Can I even say something cool?_

“I got lost.” So cool, Ennoshita.

 

Kuroo laughs and there’s sound of fabric moving before he responds. “Can you see the street name?”

 

I tell him the name and I hear the pitches change in his voice as he jumps around. “I’ll be there soon, hang tight.” I hang up the phone, not thinking of anything cool to say and I shuffle from foot to foot, the emergency contact open and ready to go if someone else gets to me first.

 

The night is still, not too cold nor too warm, perfect weather for whatever I want to wear, jeans, shorts, shirts, or jumpers. I am thankful for that, having somewhere to hide my hands inside when I grow awkward and I wish I had something for my nerves. My leg is bouncing, fingers rubbing together and I can feel my heart pounding. Anxiety creeping its hold on me, my subconscious crowding around me with darkness and I almost scream and press call on my cell phone when Kuroo grabs me around the waist.

 

He laughs as I hold myself together, hands on my knees and trying to breathe in deeply. He steps away to wipe a fake tear from under his eye as he laughs, seemingly proud of himself.

 

“You scared the shit out of me!” This causes him to laugh harder, the sound coming from deep in his stomach.

 

“That was the point, Princess.” I stop short, looking at him as he smiles at me and I can feel the tips of my ears growing warm. “Shall we get going?” Being short of words I nod and he pats the small of my back, leading me the complete opposite way of where I was heading in the first place.

 

“Now, don’t be freaked out when we get there. Bokuto got some beer from a friend and he’s like completely smashed. Kenma probably won’t talk a lot but he takes turns playing each person once we fuck up and Oikawa is a little depressed so we’re all trying to give him a good time. I think that’s everything.” Halfway through, he throws an arm over my shoulder and I try to hide my shock by giving a small cough.

 

“Have you been drinking?” Kuroo stays silent for a moment and I begin to bite on my lip, beginning to get worried about something so small.

 

“Not going to lie, I’ve had a couple but you don’t need to drink any if you don’t want to, no one is going to force you.” I nod, thinking it through. I’ve never actually drank beer before and it makes me feel lame. I’m almost 17 years old and I’ve never drank a beer before.

 

“I might have a couple.” I look up to see Kuroo look gobsmacked, if only for a moment, and he gives my shoulders a small squeeze as well as a heart that could make anyone go weak in the knees.

 

“Bad ass, Ennoshita.” Ennoshita. Not Chikara. Not Chika.

 

_Why are you even comparing him to Tanka? Why is he even the only one that you even think of when you think of your own name? He’s not the only one to call you that, Chikara, get your head in the game._

“Yep, bad ass, Ennoshita. That’s me.” _So cool, so cool._

Kuroo laughs as we stop in front of a tall duplex, the one on the right with a beautiful garden, vibrant, even in the dark and the one on the left with weeds, mold on the front door and cracks in the pavement. Please be the one on the right, please.

 

He opens the gate to the house on the left and I internally scream, my hands shrinking up into the sleeves of my jumper and I want to crawl in on myself, also hating the fact that I’m so judgemental. I am not this person and Kuroo seems so happy.

 

Inside is better by far. The walls a soft cream colour, and everything is put away nicely, in their place. It doesn’t appear that they own much. A simple couch with rips and makings sits in front of a small screen with a wide back, the ones that were outdated years ago. Only 3 pairs of shoes kicked off at the door, 2 obviously Kuroo’s with the wideness of them and the other, only big enough to fit a small woman. There are no pictures on the walls, a few cracks here and there and a spider or two, but Kuroo seems to take pride in his house, which makes it feel like a home.

 

“The others are upstairs, 2 doors to the right. I just gotta lock up down here.” I nod, taking my shoes off and putting them next to Kuroo’s, the size difference making me feel insecure about my feet and that is something I never thought I would say. I take the steps one at a time and count 2 doors right, giving 3 small knocks before opening the door. Bokuto is sitting on the floor, leaning back against the futon with a beer in his hands while he watches Kenma as he sits cross-legged in front of another small t.v, words spelling out Overwatch on the screen. Oikawa is lying on his back on top of the futon, staring up at the ceiling and not seeming alive, even. But they all look at me as the door opens, and Oikawa turns on his charm while Bokuto and Kenma go back to the screen.

 

“Well it’s about time we got a new face around this place. Ennoshita, isn’t it? From Karasuno? Sit, sit.” He scoots over on the futon, patting the space beside him and I hesitantly move over, sitting down, making myself very small as I do so.

 

“Yeah, that’s right.” He gives me a weird smile, not like he’s happy, not like he’s forcing it, but like he’s trying to figure out how to feel.

 

“Stop staring at him like that, Oikawa. Gonna freak him out.” Kuroo appears, seeming too big for his own room and he holds a beer out to me, only taking 2 steps to get from one end of the room to the other. I take the beer from his hand and I look at it for a moment and with only 10 seconds between the exchange, Kuroo takes it back from me and I look at him, baffled.

 

“What are you doing?” He sits next to Bokuto, which happens to be right below me and he leans his head back, sitting on my lap.

 

“You looked so confused, there’s no way I’m giving you a beer.”

 

A sudden wave of confidence blows over me and I lean over him, taking the beer from his hand, and twisting the cap off, taking a long and bitter scull, the taste lingering in my throat and my eyes squeezed shut with the aftertaste.

 

Bokuto hollars and Oikawa gives a laugh, clapping me on the back and when I open my eyes, Kenma is unfazed and Kuroo is giving me a wide smile.

 

“Now this is a party, where have you been all my life, Ennoshita?” I shrug at Bokuto as he gives a wild hoot and I take another sip of my beer, still tasting bitter and giving the slight tingle of a burn as it goes down my dry throat.

 

Kuroo continues to lay his head on my lap and I continue to sip on my beer, and once that one is finished, another magically appears in my hands. Conversations flow between the 3 of them, the occasional input from Kenma and I and a lot more alcohol in Bokuto’s bloodstream.

 

In the midst of laughter, our moods die when Oikawa’s phone begins to ring. He takes it out of his pocket, his face already grim, like he knows who it is. Suga. Suga?

 

Oikawa presses ignore and turns off his phone, putting it back in his pocket and Bokuto and Kuroo say nothing. “Why is Suga ringing you?”

 

“Enno-“ Oikawa holds up a hand at Kuroo, giving me the fakest, polished smile I have ever seen.

 

“Probably to ask how you’re doing here with the big bad influences.” He gives a forced laugh and I want to let it go, but I am so over being in the dark, with everything.

 

“He doesn’t know that you’re here and even if he did and that was the reason he was calling, why wouldn’t you answer?”

 

Everyone falls silent, unsure of what to say and Kenma makes the snarkiest remark that causes Bokuto and Kuroo to lose it with laughter.

 

“Oooh,” Oikawa throws one of Kuroo’s pillows at the back of Kenma’s head and Kenma just repositions to be sitting on top of it.

 

“Listen, Ennoshita. I can’t explain to you what’s going on because it’s not fair to be putting Suga in an awkward position with his team-mates and I barely know what’s going on myself, okay? No one really knows what’s going on besides Suga and I, so it’s not like it’s a big thing.” I nod, and although I am upset that I am left in the dark, I understand. The situation doesn’t involve anyone other than the two of them and suddenly, I feel like the biggest douche bag in the world.

 

“I’m sorry.” Oikawa gives a small smile, this time, meaning it.

 

“That’s okay, you weren’t to know.”

 

Kuroo tugs on my hand and I look down, he tilts his head to the side and I catch his drift, sliding off the edge of the futon and sitting beside him and Bokuto moves away, sitting beside Kenma and taking out his overwatch game to put in mario kart and Kenma slaps his controller into Bokuto’s thigh, causing Oikawa to giggle.

 

“I was online you asshole, they all probably hate me now you son of a bitch.” Kuroo laughs, almost spitting out the beer he had already in his mouth and Bokuto gasps.

 

“Don’t talk about my mother in that tone of voice, Kenma. How dare you.” Kenma rolls his eyes and starts customising his character and vehicles, Bokuto joining shortly after.

 

Kuroo takes the beer from my hands, my third of the night and things are turning a little giddy, and he takes a swig, putting back in my hands that stayed in their cupped position. He shuffles, seemingly innocently, so his shoulder is sitting against mine.

 

“Okay lovebirds, let’s leave you to it.” Oikawa pats Kuroo’s head and my cheeks grow pink as he sits on the opposite side of Kenma, taking another controller and mumbling something about how shit Bokuto is at the game.

 

“He’s a character, isn’t he? Depressed one second then setting us up the next,” Kuroo gives a short laugh and I realise that he has done a lot of those tonight.

 

“Yeah,” and there is nothing else I can think to say, so I take a swing of my beer and I give out a burp, laughing at myself and I feel Kuroo’s eyes on me.

 

“I think you’ve had a bit much to drink, don’t you?” I pout but say nothing as he takes the bottle from my hand and takes it for himself and I suddenly find myself anxious, wanting to wrap my arms around my knees and it feels like I’m being punched through my chest.

 

“How are you feeling?” Kuroo asks, never taking his eyes off me and the intensity of it makes me feel so undeserving.

 

“Okay, I think I might have drank too much.” I confess and he just smiles.

 

“I think so too.”

 

There is silence as the others cheer or wail at their victory or loss and I suddenly feel very inadequate infront of what many must consider their Senpai’s. And it is odd, for I have never hung out with any of them outside of practice matches.

 

“It’s Saturday tomorrow, there are no matches or anything.” I say, shifting slightly to look at him finally and he’s beautiful. Black hair that is effortless and seems just as charismatic as him, pale skin and a strong build, a straight nose and long lashes and it’s the first time I am really looking at him.

 

“You can sleep in, as I recall from our date this morning, you didn’t sleep very well.” One side of his face seems to be up higher than the other, almost as though he is insinuating while being cocky and I don’t even know if I make sense.

 

“That was a date?” Kuroo gives a soft laugh, quiet, and bows his head to lean more into me.

 

“It can be what you want it to be, a date, just two mates hanging out-“

 

“I mean it felt more like a date than a hang out-“

 

“Don’t interrupt me when I am in the middle of asking you out on another date tomorrow, Ennoshita, you moron.” He smiles wide and my jaw grows slack.

 

“You’re asking me on a date?”

 

There is more silence and I begin to worry, _does he not want to go on a date with me? Is he second guessing his own intension? Am I too clingy? Or quiet? Maybe it’s because I worry too much?_

 

“Have you every kissed a girl, Ennoshita?” My mouth goes dry and I am suddenly very awake and very aware of how close he is to me. I lick my lips, and his eyes, hungry and territorial, follow every move. No words can come out, heart racing in my chest, begging to escape the cage wrapped around it, pulling tight. I manage to shake my head and he’s so close, so close that when he gives a short, deep laugh, I can feel it. 

 

“What about a boy?” My eyes grow wide and he grins, seeming very much like a lion who’s caught its pray and suddenly we are the only people in the room, no noise exists and my hands begin to tremble. They ache to hold him, but they don’t. I want to touch him, but I don’t. And he doesn’t touch me, but he leans in closer, the smell of his deodorant taking my senses and I breathe in. 

 

He continues to stare at me, and only then do I remember that I haven’t responded to him.

 

“No, I’ve never been kissed before.” My words are soft, hoarse. And he takes delight in my words. A shift and our knees touch, the tension growing more intense and I want him to. I want him to kiss me. 

 

And he does, his lips chapped and dry and tasting like beer, hands rough and cold wrap themselves around my neck and I wonder if this is normal. He’s pressing his mouth so roughly onto mine that I fear it will bruise, but I don’t mind. I’m being kissed. For the first time in my life I feel desired and I feel loved, even with his hands around my neck.

 

“Bokuto, you moron!” Kuroo pulls away and I feel my cheeks, burning with embarrassment.

 

“Dude, that’s Kenma’s system, what the fuck?” Kuroo grows mad, standing and seeming larger than life as he hits Bokuto over the back of the head, the smell of alcohol filling the room.

 

“I swear I’ll save up and buy you a new one, Ken-“ Kenma seems unfazed.

 

“It’s fine, I can sell the parts and buy the more updated one, no biggie.” Kuroo seems totally confused that Kenma seems to be fine and I can finally see what’s happened. Bokuto spilt his beer over Kenma’s Wii U and is close to tears.

 

“Fuck mate, how am I going to get the smell out of my floor? I ain’t rich you know, I don’t have a god-damn carpet cleaner.” Bokuto whimpers, seeming very child-like right now and I feel the instinct to protect him but Kuroo’s anger, I selfishly don’t want that re-directed at me.

 

“I can just get mums cleaner out of the garage and bring it over, it’s okay.” Kenma gets up off the floor and pats down his jeans.

 

“Isn’t it far away?” Kuroo and Kenma are the only two who look at me, Oikawa cleaning up what he can with paper towels that must have been lying around and Bokuto in a mess on the floor.

 

“No? It’s right next door. Our houses are joined together, didn’t Kuroo tell you?” I shake my head and he shrugs, muttering something to Kuroo before exiting the room and I can’t imagine how such a scrawny teen can bring up a carpet clearner.

 

“Oikawa, can you watch over Bo until I get back? I’m taking Ennoshita back to camp.” Oikawa nods at him while I stand.

 

“What? Why?” Oikawa glances my way before deciding it’s probably best not to get involved, continuing with what he was doing and Kuroo takes my wrist, avoiding my hand and giving me a small tug.

 

“We don’t want you getting lost on the way back.” I can’t even come up with a physical remark to say, stumbling after him and if he didn’t have such a tight grip on me, I might have fallen.

 

 

“Why do I have to go?”  

We’re back on the streets, nearly two blocks away from his house before I brought up the courage to speak. Kuroo doesn’t respond, only moving forward and pulling me behind.

 

“Kuroo? Was it the kiss? I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do-“ Kuroo turns, stopping us, right in front of the coffee shop.

 

“See this place?”

 

“Obviouly.” Kuroo scoffs.

 

“Wow, someone becomes snarky when they drink.” I flinch and Kuroo does as well, stepping into me.

 

“The kiss was amazing okay, especially for your first time, I’m sorry you have to go. I got a bit mad and I don’t want you to see me that way. It’s late anyway, it’s probably time for everyone to go home after they clean the mess they made. But this place,” He points at the neon sign and I almost smile, thinking of us this morning. “We will meet here tomorrow, 11am. For our date. Okay?” He raises his eyebrows, questioning me and I nod.

 

“Okay.” Kuroo gives a tight smile and I can’t tell his emotion behind it. _He’s probably stressed, his friends are most likely destroying his room and he just wants to get back to it, that’s right!_

“Tomorrow. 11am. Be here.” Kuroo begins to walk backwards and I nod, not able to help the fact that I feel giddy and I wave, unable to say anything and Kuroo turns, running away into the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter title is from High School Musical I am sorry.  
> I am trying a new thing !
> 
> Every Thursday updates, at the very least!  
> I want to be able to write more and when I sat down today, I wrote 9 pages worth (even though it doesn't seem like it) and I feel very accomplished not gonna lie. 
> 
> Please dont hate too much, some big things are gonna happen in the next chapter, I swear on my EnnoTana heart you guys!
> 
> Also, for future reference:  
> You guys can find me on my tumblr for sneak peaks of upcoming chapters or ideas for new works and to talk to me about improvements or just want to have a chat!   
> http://nishinoyasbae.tumblr.com/
> 
> Hope you guys like it, trust me. It's only gonna get better!


	5. Emotions or cologne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is some more EnnoTana angst

He didn’t show.

 

It’s 11:37 and stupidly, I’m still waiting. Anxiously looking towards the clock, thinking _maybe, just maybe, he is running late. Maybe he’s got caught up and he’s still coming._ And I feel so stupid because I know he is not coming, yet I wait anyway, so stupidly.

 

There is a stillness in my stomach, the kind that happens just before the horrible aches, the ones that make you want to throw up all your feelings and just the thought makes me twist my fingers together, waiting for Kuroo, and waiting for the aches. My eyes sting, far too awake for my sleeping body with only 4 hours sleep the night before between getting back late and my excitement for today. Too bad I was the only one who was excited.

 

“Ennoshita?” Kuroo!

 

I spin around in my seat, only to wish I hadn’t, face dropping. Ahh, here comes the aches. “What are you doing here, Tanaka?” He blinks at me, clearly not expecting the hostility out of my voice.

 

“Heard this is the best coffee place around town,” He licks his lips and I hate how my eyes follow before he looks away, shuffling his feet. “I haven’t been sleeping well so I thought I’d give it a try.”

 

I give a small cough, snapping his eyes back towards me and he looks at the empty booth and the time, coffee in a to go cup in his hand, steam rising out of the small air space, such a contradiction to my own, that lays cold against the warm wood table.

 

“Can I sit?”

 

No. “Yes.”

 

His movements are slow, purposeful, sitting in the opposite side of the booth and I feel coils begin to wrap around my heart. _Don’t let him in so easily, you’re trying to get over him, remember!_

“I wanted to apologise, about the other day. It wasn’t fair of me to say those things and I know it’s not an excuse but I’ve got a lot of stuff going on and I think I just took it all out on you and I’m really sorry.” Tanaka. The boy who shines so bright, screams so loud. He seems so dull, speaks so quiet. And this is why I find it so hard to forget him, he always seems to surprise me.

 

“I said some pretty horrible stuff myself-“

 

“No, you said the things I needed to hear, Ennoshita,” Ennoshita? Ouch. “I am a coward. I have internal shit I need to deal with, I punched my best friend for fuck sakes, obviously I’m some formed of fucked up.” I try not to cringe at the language, not wanting him to feel like he needs to stop because it’s nice, to feel like I’m needed.

 

“What are you trying to do?”

 

Tanaka looks up at me from where he was staring into a dig in the table, eyes brewing up a storm and my stomach calms and who knew, that all it would take to calm my anxiety was Tanaka, even though he’s the one who causes it half the time.

 

“What do you mean?” Head tilted to the side, oddly enough like a puppy and not so oddly enough, cute.

 

“If you’ve got some issues, what are you doing to improve them?”

 

A pause. “Well, I guess that’s why I’m talking to you. Trying to sort out what happened between the two of us. Somehow, Ennoshita, you are the nicest damn person in my life and I treated you like shit, yet, here you are. Talking to me after all the fucked up shit I said and how can I not want a person like you in my life? You are an amazing friend and you always help me through my shit and I can never thank you enough and I need that friendship back.” Friend, the word shouldn’t sting as much as it does. Like salt on an open wound.

 

I might have been silent for too long as Tanaka begins to grow fidgety, seemingly nervous and I don’t know what to say, the past few minutes flying past in a whirlwind that my head spins and I need a minute to think, to find the best response and I can practically feel Tanaka’s self-esteem doom so low so fast that I know I don’t have the time to sift my words.

 

“Okay.” Okay? That’s all you can say, Ennoshita? Okay? He pours his heart and soul out and you respond with ‘okay’? Tanaka looks taken aback, slouched in his seat, one hand wrapped around his takeaway cup and the other lays flat against the table, thumb tapping away in an off beat.

 

It’s now Tanaka’s turn to remain silent, half of his lower lip caught between his teeth and I try to look away, try to look anywhere else, but when he looks like that, pensive and strong with his black shirt, tight fitting around his muscles and his stomach and dear god, I need to look away.

 

There’s a singular dot, next to Tanaka’s fingernail on his left hand, with the tapping thumb, on his ring finger and I find myself oddly interested. I have spent countless of times, investigating Tanaka’s hands, counting each callous, scrape and cut but I have never noticed this freckle, and that astonishes me.

 

“Okay,” Wow, that’s like a punch to the heart. Now I regret saying the same words to him. And the moment turns silent, his thumb still tapping to that off beat and my heart follows the odd movement. “I don’t want things to be awkward, Ennoshita.”

 

Tanaka looks up, looking so earnest and I need to look away, look far far away.

 

“Neither do I.” There’s a shift, and instead of slouching, Tanaka leans forward, elbows on the table and hands folded together, stretched out across half the table and he’s in my bubble, moving very quickly.

 

“What can we do? Because I really don’t want us to backtrack, I want us to be able to move forward and this feels like backtracking. This-“He pauses for a moment, hand wavering in the air, “this feels like we’re backtracking. Words used to come so easily between us and now I feel like I’m stepping on eggshells.”

 

I take another moment, with his eyes wide and so apologetic, waiting for me to say something more, anything more. And he’s right, it feels like we’re backtracking and we need to open communications, try to get back what we used to have, friendship, no strings attached.

 

“So, this new Tanaka movement, what’s next?” The question seems to stun him, his face going blank for a minute before he registers what I am really asking.

 

“Well, I’ve made amends with Noya and Asahi, spoken to Daichi and Suga and the rest of the team to apologise with my behaviour and you kept disappearing so it was hard to get a hold of you but I have now, and I think we’re in a good place?” The last part of his sentence comes out as a question and I nod, letting him know that we are and he smiles, that wide Tanaka smile that widens his whole face to the point I think his cheeks will fall off and it makes me smile too, though, not quite as big.

 

“And now?” His smile never falters, nor does mine and I feel as though this could be something entirely new.

 

“And now, that I am good with everyone, I think it’s time to focus on volleyball, get better at it, prepare to be vice-captain next year-“

 

“You never know, you could be Captain,” Tanaka holds up his hand, scoffing at the statement.

 

“Please, everyone is dull compared to you, Chika, you are definitely going to be captain.” And here we go again, Tanaka, saying all the right things to make my heart skip a beat and my cheeks to go red.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was 3pm by the time we left the coffee shop, stomachs sore from laughing and faces aching from smiling and it’s like old times, where nothing was too difficult. It felt like nothing had changed, until I ran into a brick wall.

 

I’m sorry, did I say brick wall? I meant Kuroo.

He turns, eyes widening and hanging up the phone call he was apparently having and I’m at a loss for words. His eyes go between Tanaka and I to the bright neon sign.

 

“I didn’t think you would still be here,” His voice drags out, slowly, obviously uncomfortable and it confirms what I already knew. He didn’t show, on purpose.

 

“I ran into a friend.” Short, straight to the point and no crying, _good job, Ennoshita!_

“I see,” He says nothing more, not that there is anything to say yet I wait, so stupidly I wait, yet again, to be fooled by someone I’ve been fooled by before. Tanaka looks between us, shocked to say the least.

 

And my heart hurts, even though I’ve only connected with him for the day, it felt like something was finally going to happen for me. And he’s the first ~~boy~~ person that I have kissed, does it mean nothing to him? With Tanaka beside me, I feel stronger, more powerful and I like feeling this way, like I can say something that matters.

 

“I’m going to go now, Kuroo.” And I brush past him, shoving his arm with my shoulder, not tall enough to do it like they do in the movies and Tanaka follows, unsure of what to do.

 

“Ennoshita, I can explain-“ I don’t stop when Kuroo speaks, only move forward and I feel immensely proud of myself. Weak, terrified Ennoshita, walking away from Kuroo! I almost giggle. Almost.

 

The rest of the walk to the school is done in silence, Tanaka’s hand brushing against mine every so often and I find myself wanting to take hold of him, needing to do something, but I know, Tanaka doesn’t feel that way about me and I can’t push it onto him. I can’t force him to be interested in me and that’s something I’m going to have to live with.

It’s only when we reach the gates that he speaks, voice soft from the time left not speaking.

 

“So, you two were a thing? Are a thing?” He leans with his back against the gate, facing me with his hands shoved in the pockets of his dark washed jeans, looking dangerously attractive and I take a step back, aware of his eyes following the movement.

 

“Not really, no. I mean, we kissed last night-“

 

“Wait, that’s where you went last night? On some drunken rendezvous with a guy from our rival team?” He steps forward and I take another back and I am suddenly reminded of our fight.

 

“No, no, it’s not like that. He invited me to hang with him and his friends and they were drinking when I got there-“

 

“Did they pressure you into drinking?” Another step forward, another step back.

 

“Of course not, I wanted to do it, I’d never had a beer before and I wanted to try what it was like and I guess I just drank more than my limit,” If animation was real, Tanaka would be alight in flames with the anger radiating from him.

 

“So you got drunk and threw your tongue down some random guy’s mouth?” Step forward, step back.

 

“It’s not like that, we were talking for a long time-“

 

“So if Noya or Asahi talked to you for a while, you’d kiss them?”

 

“You know it’s different, Tanaka-“

 

“How? How is it different?”

 

“He,” I pause, feeling very overwhelmed and confused, trying to get air back into my lungs and Tanaka looks so mad that I fear for what I say next. “He made me feel special, for a night I felt special Tanaka and it was nice that someone wanted to be with someone like me-“

 

“Someone like you?”

 

“Yes, a dork and a loser and someone way under their radar and when he asked me on a date I thought it might work, for once things would go my way and he didn’t even show-“ I choke up, finding it hard to get more words out of my mouth, finally letting my feelings loose and this time, when he steps forward and I attempt to step back, my heel goes off the pavement, loosing gravity for a moment before Tanaka has his arms around me, pulling me back onto ground and even though it’s the smallest of small drops, I feel very afraid, yet so safe.

 

The moment, or whatever he wants to call it, only lasts like that, a moment before he pulls back, clearing his throat, and stepping back.

 

“Just know that you deserve better,” I hold my head, feeling quite dizzy and I don’t know if its from the rush of emotions or the smell of Tanaka’s cologne and I find I don’t care what it is. “We should head back inside.” And without waiting to find if I follow him, Tanaka strolls into the open gates with his shoulders high, showing no sign of what just happened and for the first time in my life, I begin doubting every single decision that I have ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, very small and late I apologise!!
> 
> Already working on the next update, in quite a writing mood tonight so lets hope and pray for a new update tomorrow!!!!!
> 
> Let me know what you guys think happened with Kuroo and what Tanaka is thinking!   
> Until tomorrow (I bloody hope), enjoy! 
> 
> http://nishinoyasbae.tumblr.com/


	6. Is there something that I am missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there is some gay shit happening here

Sunday passed with studying, small games of volleyball in front of the cabin and conversations with Tanaka that make it seem like nothing happened the day before. Nothing seemed different or out of place, except, if you call Daichi and Suga looking at me all the time different but that’s been happening a lot with them graduating next year and deciding Captaincy.

 

Monday came like an alcoholic who didn’t want to show up to their AA meeting, sluggishly and showing great signs of grey weather. The clouds were clustered in and by 9, when the team has eaten, warmed up and is on the way to the spare auditorium, rain started to fall. There are orders called out as we run to the hall, trying to keep as dry as possible and the other teams look our way as we enter, half of us drenched and the others out of breath.

 

Out of newfound habit, my eyes go for Kuroo’s, whose eyes are not on me and I can’t decipher who he is staring at. Tanaka, Daichi or Kageyama. And I shouldn’t care, right? It’s not like I care about him, right? I don’t have any feelings for anyone right now, all out of my system, cleansed and clear and focused on this camp.

 

“You look like you’re having an inner battle, Chika. What’s going on in that brain of yours?” Noya laughs as he bounces up to me, Asahi following closely behind him and I wonder what they are. They seem too close to be just friends, as I suppose he and Tanaka are, and they never show any displays of affection, so it’s not confirmed that they are an actual couple and why am I even thinking about this in such depth?

 

“Just trying to pan out how today is going to go is all,” I try to give him a smile to ware him off and by his smile in return, I think it worked!

 

“Just keep telling yourself that, Chika,” _Or not_.

Tanaka barrels over, throwing his arm over Noya’s shoulders and looking between the three of us.

 

“So, what do we think? What are our bets of the day?” I open my mouth in shock.

 

“You guys have been betting on playing teams?” They all look at me as though this is old news and by how wrapped up I’ve been in my own emotions, they probably are.

 

“Yeah, Tsukki’s been keeping count,” Tanaka grins as Noya scrapes his knuckles over his shaved head.

 

“Tsuk-ahh, Tsukishima, right. How long has this been going on for?” Asahi gives a small laugh and I don’t miss the glow on Nishinoya’s face.

 

“Since the first day, Chika, where have you been?” Noya gives my shoulder a playful punch and when there is a cough from behind me, Tanaka drops his arm from Nishinoya’s shoulders, taking a step forward.

 

Kuroo stands behind me, too lanky to fit in with the small circle of misfits surrounding me and Daichi comes over, stilling slightly when he sees the moment.

 

“Tanaka, Asahi, it’s time to do our practice warm ups, Hinata’s going first and then you’re next, Noya,” There are a chorus of “yes, Captain,” before the three of them run to our court, Tanaka giving me a nod and Noya a clap on the back of the shoulder before running and Nishinoya, surprisingly, takes a few steps back, finding himself next to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.

 

“I tried texting you,” He did. I deleted them. I try to stay stubborn, not looking at him and I hear him sigh when I don’t respond.

 

“Are you just going to ignore me, Ennoshita?” I swallow air down my throat, trying to get them into my lungs that begin to burn, body giving small tremors and I try to not let them show.

 

“Are you going to tell me why you stood me up?” There is a moment of hesitation.

 

“I told you why in the texts,” His shoes scuffle the board, the same ones that sat next to the small and petite slip-ons at his home.

 

“Did you?” And I dare to look up as his eyes evade mine.

 

“I said I was sorry, Ennoshita and I am, something came up, I never wanted to hurt you-“ Enough of being the shy, quiet, stupid boy, be strong, defend yourself, do what Tanaka would do.

 

I step into his space, not caring if people stare or if no one is watching, jabbing a finger into his chest as I speak.

 

“Too late, you did hurt me. I am hurt and I am angry and you texted me twenty-four hours later than you should have. I don’t want an apology, I want an explanation and If you can’t give one to me, let me know so I don’t have to waste my time anymore.” No wavering, no stuttering, straight anger from deep in my core and Kuroo says nothing, eyes staying focused on mine before he blinks, stepping back.

 

“I’m sorry,” So no, no explanation, so wasting my time.

 

“So am I,” I turn away, seeing Nishinoya look away to pretend he wasn’t looking with a smile on his face and as I pass,

 

“Good on you, Chika. Who knew you were so badass?” I give him a laugh, standing by Kinoshita and Narita, my friends who I feel like I’ve neglected and they look at me and smile, as though I have been there all along.

 

“You put on a little bit of a show there, Ennoshita,” Kinoshita laughs and I glance around, finding only very few people with their eyes on me, including Bokuto, Oikawa, Kenma, Kuroo and Tanaka, although, the last two try to pretend that they weren’t.

 

“Well, I didn’t mean for it, I don’t think. I just wanted to tell Kuroo how I felt, I guess it came out a bit harsh, do you think that I should maybe apologise?” I begin to panic, my head racing and now I don’t feel strong, I feel mean and rude and rather like a bully and as I face the two people who have stood by me thick and thin, I feel a little calm.

 

“You did what you needed to do, don’t stress. He probably deserved it.” Narita gives a playful wink and a little shove and I find my eyes meet Tanaka’s, unexpectedly and when he smiles at me, something feels different. Platonic almost. There is no more raging firepits in my stomach, no more sucker punches to the heart, knowing my feelings won’t be returned. It feels, peaceful, and I don’t know why, for not only two days before, my heart would bleed for him to look at me, hope for him to kiss me but something has changed since coming to this camp. I think I made the right decision coming here after all.

 

“Maybe you should join some gay dating site?” I choke on my saliva, not expecting my inner talk about my closed over feelings to turn to this. Narita shrugs, giving a smug smile as though what he said isn’t on the verge of crazy.

 

“A dating site?”

 

“Sure, why not? If you’re not into Tanaka anymore-“

 

“I’m not, I’m over him.” I say, butting in, feeling as though I need to defend myself.

 

“No one would blame you, I mean, have you seen him?” Kinoshita joins into the conversation, and they talk as though this kind of stuff is harmless.

 

“I think we have established that I have and I am not interested in him anymore so yes, maybe I should join a dating site.” I can’t help but make a ‘humph’ sound as I stick my chest out and the look on their faces, they seem genuinely shocked and it’s time to stop saying I’m over Tanaka, but time to prove it.

 

“What’s the app name?” I pull my phone out of my pocket, the app store up and ready to go.

 

 

 

It’s late by the time we get back to the cabin, nearly seven, and the team is tired and sore, winning nearly every single match today, besides the odd loss and their muscles are feeling it. Kinoshita, Narita and I wondered off after dinner to walk around the campus, swiping left or right on male bio’s and images, too paranoid to do it indoors, not wanting anyone to look over my shoulder.

 

We spent a little over an hour, under a tree near the front gates, laughing over ‘quirky’ one-liners and guys whose pictures are them shirtless. I’ve received a few messages, not any to swoon over though.

 

Our teammates are studying with soft music playing in the background and I think I hear BTS blood, sweat and tears where Hinata in batting his head in time to the music, bumping into Kageyama and he ‘tsks’, attempting to ignore the little hums and tapping head.

I’m about to head inside when my stomach gives a low growl and I pray no-one heard when Suga gives a snicker from across the room, looking up to make eye contact.

 

“A little hungry there, Ennoshita?” A few members give little laughs and I blush, stepping back and bowing my head.

 

“I apologise, I will grab a snack.” I step away, walking back towards the front of the cabin to where I smell fish. Stepping into the hallway, I see Tanaka, wearing yet another dark shirt, although, the current shirt is a deep red, bringing out the tan in his skin and he’s wearing his deep blue boxer shorts and I smile, it’s been a while since I could look at him and not feel constricted and it feels good, to have our friendship back.

 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Tanaka jumps as he turns, a white apron across his front and I see that he’s cooking a meal. “Hungry?” He clears his throat, shuffling his feet, and looking everywhere but my eyes.

 

“I worked hard today, I deserve a second meal, Ennoshita.” He lifts his voice, attempting to make a joke so I laugh, helping him along and he smiles, the slightest hint of dimples coming through.

 

“What are you making?” I step closer as he steps towards the hot plate, facing away from me.

 

“Grilled Mackeral with garlic seasoning and rice,” He looks over his shoulder, looking at me through his lashes before speaking again. “Did you want some?”

 

“There’s only enough for one?” It comes out as a question as I lean against the counter.

 

“I don’t mind sharing, Chika. I’m not heartless after-all.” He sounds so low when he speaks, and just when I thought I was over him, saying something so small gets my stomach tied in knots.

 

“I never thought you were heartless, Ryuu.” I watch as he stands straighter, eyes growing wide like bugs and he takes a deep breath, although, he says nothing. As though he’s afraid of what he’ll say. Small talk, we can do this.

 

“I never knew you could cook, who taught you?” He laughs, as though it’s a funny story and who knows, Tanaka’s life, being exciting and full of vibrant people, it probably is a story.

 

“Asahi, actually. Kind of,” He tilts his head as he gives a soft chuckle as he recalls the moment. “He was trying to teach Noya how to bake cookies but Noya, being the idiot, absolutely burnt the shit out of them. The boy can’t cook to save his life, I swear. Anyway, I made them spectacularly,” He shows the wide set grin that exposes all of his white teeth and I feel a little warm again.

 

“I bet you did,” And he looks at me, in the eyes for the first time today and I swear, my heart stops for a moment. Why can’t I be over him?

 

“Anyway,” He clears his throat, facing the fish as he flips it over, covering it with more seasoning, “I went home and showed my family and my mum on the spot, then and there, decided that two nights a week, I cook dinner, something new every time and at least three times a week, I help her make dinner to still learn how to cook because no one can cook better than my mum, let me tell you know.”

 

There’s something different about watching him tell me stories, the way his face lights up with the memories and talking about his family makes him happy, so there’s a lot of love there and maybe that’s why I’m so interested in someone who I’ll never have. I don’t have a family life like he does.

 

Tanaka grabs two plastic plates and two plastic cups, cutting the fish perfectly even and spreading his meal for one, into a meal for two. I sit at the table, anxious with the silence as I wait for him to sit across from me and I take a deep breath. This is Tanaka, loud, annoying, totally straight Tanaka. And he is my friend. My best friend.

 

He puts the meal in front of me with a cup of milk and I find myself in adoration, this is too cute to be real. Is this real? Tanaka strips himself of the apron, laying it over the back of his chair as he sits, digging into his meal without a word and he must have been starving. I take slow bites, not making scoffing sounds like he does and I can’t help but laugh and when he looks up, there is garlic all around his mouth and I give him my napkin and as though he is doing it on purpose, he leans his face forward so it sits into my outstretched hand. I wipe the garlic off from around his mouth and when I’ve reached it all, I avoid his eyes that are staring right at me, dropping the napkin, and shoving my face full of rice before I say something stupid.

 

“Well, we spoke about my cooking, how is yours?” Tanaka, indicating small talk? What is this world coming to?

 

“You might have to be the cook, I, like Nishinoya, am a horrible cook.”

 

“I don’t think that’s true.” A tilt to the side of his lip, a sly smile.

 

“How about I cook you a meal? Beware, you might throw it back up onto your plate,” An outright laugh, almost spitting his food out of his mouth.

 

“I highly doubt that, anything you do is basically perfect.”

Is this flirting? Is he flirting? No, no, he is straight. Not flirting.

 

“You mustn’t know me that well then.” He is silent for a moment, looking at his plate before changing the conversation.

 

“So, how are you going with math because my stupid ass is failing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys like this leave a kudos or a comment! I updated early this time, that why the chapter is small! I am hoping, hoping, hoping, that the next update next Thursday, or maybe earlier, will be at least 10 pages long! Lots will be happening in the next chapter I swear it. Let me know what rare-pairs you want to see and who you want me to begin a new fic for in this series, Asahi + Nishinoya, Suga + Oikawa, Kuroo + secret lover !! Leave guesses for who you think Kuroo is in love with and why he stood Ennoshita up! 
> 
> Thank you very much for reading! Until next time :)


	7. I think I've fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, Ennoshita did it again

His hands are warm, lips are soft.  
He knows how to touch, how to kiss. Holding me close as though he never wants to let me go and I beg of him not to for his body, so close to mine, it’s hard to breathe, even with his name against my lips and I want to scream it out so everyone knows, but no-one can. No-one can know how alive he makes me feel, how precious, how important and I’m about to tell him, just one more kis-

“Ennoshita, wake up, you’re drooling,” 

Rapidly blinking, I jump awake, not surprised to see Suga kneeling beside my head, still in his pjs. As I look around, I notice bleary eyes and messy heads, no-one fully awake at this time of morning and by the very slight rays or sunshine through the open curtains, it is only early, possibly barely hitting seven am. 

“I’m up, I’m up,” I grumble, sitting upright, and rubbing my eyes with a slight yawn.

“Glad someone is,” Suga nods his head towards the mostly dead body at the other end of the room, blankets tucked under his chin and with a snickering Nishinoya dangling a feather just above Tanaka’s nose and I begin to wonder where the feather even came from. 

“Come on, time to get up guys, get dressed. We’re leaving in 15 minutes for breakfast, let’s go go go.” Daichi claps his hands after every go and is disturbed by a loud groaning which gathers everyone’s attention. Nishinoya is on the ground, hand cupping his privates as Asahi is timidly trying to comfort him as Tanaka laughs loudly, and quite obnoxiously. 

“Tanaka, what have I said about punching in the balls-“ Suga leaves my side to give a soft lecture to the cackling bald teen and I can’t help myself from smiling. Why I can’t stop myself from falling for him I can’t understand. 

“Do you want to do some practice drills with me today?” 

“Aren’t we doing practice matches all day?” My eyebrows scrunch as I scratch the back of my head and Daichi smiles as he shakes his head, leaning down to help me off the futon. 

“We are, but the Coach’s have organised a barbeque today for the hard week and a half that we’ve had, they wanted to give us a reward.” Wow, has it been a week and a half already? It feels like its been so much longer than that. 

“So how long are we training for?” Daichi shrugs as I straighten myself out, trying to comb my hair back with my fingers but they just get caught in knots. 

“I don’t know. Maybe until about 1? That way we’re still getting decent hours in.” He says nothing more, just gives me a pat on the back and meets up with Kageyama and Hinata, who are talking in hushed whispers that cease as soon as Daichi nears them. 

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, counting to 3 until I exhale, getting nerves out of my system.  
I tidy my futon, pulling the sheets up and making it presentable before pulling my shirt off my back, trying to tell myself that no one is looking and that half the guys in here are shirtless so they’re not staring at me. I also need to tell myself not to be staring at them as well, I need to be focusing on getting changed, not staring at my team mates while they’re half naked. As fast as it was taken off, my jersey was put on, and my shorts already on from sleeping in them the night before and I sit down, tying my shoes up, still taking my deep breaths. 

“Did you want to do stretches outside?” Kinoshita and Narita rock up beside me and I’ve never been so thankful for something so familiar before. I nod, finishing up the last of my shoes and standing, watching their feet as we walk, my anxiety feeling a little out of control today and I don’t want to look people in the eyes, afraid that they’ll know that my heart is being louder, feeling like any second now it will come out of my chest and I don’t want them to know that I don’t plan on eating, not while my stomach feels as though it will erupt at any given moment. 

The air is slightly cool for this time of year, although, it seems like it’s been this way all week. Narita sits on the slightly damn grass, legs stretched out ahead of him and reaching forward to touch his toes while Kinoshita mauvers his arms around his back, head tilting side to side. I begin to lift my leg up to my chest, stretching out and it’s only a few moments before Narita asks what I’d been dreading he would.

“So, how’s it going with the whole “I’m going to get over Tanaka” plan?” Kinoshita laughs like it’s a joke that they’ve been making behind my back and who knows, maybe they have. I wouldn’t blame them, if it was one of them, I’d do it too.

“I was getting there,” I leave out the unspoken but trusty Kinoshita realised that.

“’was’ getting there?” He wiggles his eyebrows as he starts twisting his upper half of his body. I stay silent as I bend down to touch my tows without bending my knees to think of the right thing to say but nothing seems right. I just need someone to know the truth, and who is better than the people I trust the most?

“I was getting there, I guess I got a little side-tracked, I don’t know. Last night he shared his dinner with me, and did you know he’s an amazing cook? Like, talented as hell. He even gave me most of the fish which he admitted was his favourite part. And I know he’s just being nice because he feels bad for what happened but me being me, I keep seeing it at something more when it isn’t and I just can’t seem to move on and it’s frustrating me.” I finish my rant with a sigh and they both raise their eyebrows, seeming at a loss of words for a moment and Narita is about to say something when there’s loud laughter.

No, no, no, please don’t tell me they’re laughing at me, who is it? I spin around, heart being harder than it needs to and it’s Nishinoya and Asahi alone, walking from inside the house, seeming so into their own conversation and I allow myself to breathe. Asahi is blushing and Nishinoya is still laughing, probably at what Asahi said and when I’m about to turn around to hear what Narita is about to say, I see Tanaka and Daichi, in a seemingly important conversation, heads pulled together and shoulders hunched and it happens again. 

The slow thrum inside my head, tuning out any other noise and my stomach turns, but in a different way. In a, there’s a zoo of butterflies in my stomach and I can’t stop it and I know that I do need to stop it. And my fingers ache, wanting to feel the warmth of his skin and wanting to hear his laugh and I want so many things that I cannot have. I need to look away, I’m going to look away, I’m about to look away when he looks up, eyes dark and grey and resembling the calm before a storm, meet mine and I stop breathing and he stills, only for a moment before my eyes are ripped away by a tiny little red-head whose mouth is moving fast. 

“-to you, please?” I blink fast, confusion probably clear on my face and over Hinata’s shoulder, I see Narita and Kinoshita mumbling to themselves and the bad stomach is back again. 

“Sorry, Hinata, what was that?” He gives a wide smile, jumping in place with a vigorous amount of energy that I could only dream of having.

“Can I talk to you, please?” 

Why on earth is everybody wanting to talk to me today? “Sure,” 

Before the word is even out of my mouth, Hinata has grabbed me by the wrist and is pulling me away from the house and more towards the gymnasium that is still bare this time of morning.

“Is everything okay?” 

He releases my wrist but doesn’t stop moving, he paces back and forth with his hands over his face, rubbing aggressively and I want to stop him from being so rough but I don’t know whether to touch him or not so I leave it be, allowing him the couple minutes it is taking him to gather his composure, shifting from foot to foot and my fingers are turning red from the constant friction from tugging and pulling for something to do. 

“Are you dating Kuroo?” His voice comes out loud, causing me to step back and his face is as red as his hair, shoulders heaving uncontrollably.

My mouth opens but nothing comes out, what do I even say? Why does it matter to him what happened in the first place, what is going on? 

“No, I mean, we kissed at a party he was throwing at his house but we’re not dating. I mean, he asked me on a date but never showed up so I wouldn’t call it dating, I don’t believe. We haven’t spoken since he apologised about it-“ I was on a ramble, saying anything that came to mind and I have this sunken feeling that this is going to happen all day today.

“He kissed you? And asked you on a date?” Hinata’s eyes grow wide and I step forward in an attempt to reach for him to comfort but he steps back and my heart aches just a little.

“Yes,” I look down, suddenly feeling ashamed.

“Was it like, a small kiss or?” Hinata’s voice cracks and I flinch at the sound.

“It went on for a little while I think, I lost track of time.” He takes another step back as though I punched him and I reach out again, only for him to shake his head.

“He ditched you on a date?” I nod, only to realise that he can’t see, looking down at his feet.

“Yes, and when we were playing our match he came to apologise, and when I asked him why, he just didn’t give me a reason, told me to trust him.” There is silence for a moment and I can hear chatter in the distance, the teams coming to meet for another day of training. 

“Do you trust him?” Out of all the places this conversation could go, this is not a place I thought it would. 

“I mean, I have to don’t I,” I give a shrug and Hinata looks up and over my shoulder and when I glance that way, I see Kuroo, stilled while the rest of his team goes around him. 

“Go to him, you might regret it later but you’ll feel better knowing you did.”  
The doors to the gymnasium open and I glance between Kuroo and Hinata before walking inside, Kuroo hesitantly walking towards Hinata whose shoulders are shaking I realise, not making any sound as he cries and Kuroo wraps his arm around Hinata, who doesn’t push him away. 

I finish my exercises since I never finished them before, in the same corner we seem to be in every time and it’s only a few minutes later when the rest of Karasuno arrives. Daichi and Suga stand by the doors as though they are waiting for Hinata to come back in. 

The arena fills with chatter, laughter and sounds of balls being pinned to the ground, the sound seeming to fill every corner of space, filling the air with a different and more positive kind of atmosphere.

“What’s happening with shrimpy?” I jump when Tanaka appears beside me, not hearing him approach and he seems a little fidgety.

“Nothing, he just wanted to talk about something-“

“About what happened with Kuroo?” Tanaka is looking out at the other teams, avoiding eye contact with me and I get the feeling that he’s holding a grudge about that.

“Why do you care what happened with Kuroo?” I quip and I immediately regret it, taking half a step to the side, heart dropping to my stomach. “You don’t have to answer that, I’m sorry.” Tanaka nods, jaw locked and eyes focused on one thing across the room, not daring to move. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I am sorry.” 

Tanaka nods again, body rigid and I fear that I’ve ruined everything when he says nothing and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so smol I know I am sorry :(  
> Alot has been happening in the last couple of weeks but I am starting a new and VERY EXCITING chapter now and hoping to get it up in a couple of days again i am so so sos oo so sorry that this is all so small and hasnt been updated in forever!!!!


	8. I can't breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more angst and a little more fluff

Daichi was right.   
At 1pm the coaches call it quits, the smell of the barbeque outside has been taunting since 12:30, when some of the coaches went out to begin preparing. Like I thought earlier, my stomach is not allowing me to eat anything. 

Tanaka seems to be ignoring me, everytime I look at him, he tries his hardest to seem like he hasn’t noticed and Nishinoya has, looking between us every now and again. Asahi is timid, locked up and not playing that well today, his emotions probably all over the place. 

Kinoshita and Narita sneaked out before the rest, under the radar since they’re “not important players” as they say, so, when I walk out, they’re sitting on the hill under a tree with a hotdog each, making jokes with each other and I make my way over, sitting down, the weather hot now and create a mild heat in the air. 

“Did everything go okay this morning?” Kinoshita asks as I sit, mouth full of hotdog. 

“Yeah, I think they’re okay,” I nod towards where Kuroo and Hinata are talking near the open doors, not showing affection of any kind but they are standing in a close vicinity. 

“How are you? When you were talking to Tanaka it seemed pretty heated for a minute or two.” Narita is picking apart his bun, eating the fluffs of bread rather than the hotdog and as I go to respond, my phone goes off in my pocket. 

“I don’t know but maybe it needed to happen? I am meant to be getting over him so maybe space is what we need?” My voice trails off slightly as I see the notification. It’s from the app that I downloaded the other day, and there’s a message. 

From: User  
Hi, I seen your bio and I think you sound pretty cool. And you’re 18? I’m 19 and I live in Tokyo so I believe we are close to each other. I would love to have a talk over coffee if you’re interested. 

I actually got a response? I never would have imagined I’d get a response, my bio isn’t at all interesting. I suppose I got lost in the thought process of it all because before I know it, I’m being poked in the shoulder by Nishinoya who walked up here at some point, half a hotdog in his other hand, Asahi and Tanaka behind him.

“Yes?” Nishinoya stops poking me and gives an over-dramatized exasperated sigh.

“I thought you like, froze died or something,” He laughs and stands straight from his kneeling position beside me.

“Froze died?” Nishinoya waves it off like it’s nothing to even be thinking about and gets a mischievous grin on his face. 

“Who’s texting you?” Kinoshita snickers, as though he already knows and I want to kick him because what do I say? A faceless user, from an online dating app that you need to be 18 to access (we had to create a fake account because I am only 16!) where you don’t post any pictures up so everyone is faceless and nameless so you only message them upon personality, messaged me and wants to meet up for coffee? Yeah, that’s a great conversation to have while Tanaka is listening on. 

“Just my mum, asking how it’s all going.” I lock the screen of my phone and place it back in my pocket and it feels heavy, almost like it’s burning a hole through the cloth. 

“Your mum turns you red like that?” Narita elbows Kinoshita, the perpetrator of the question, and I know he is on my side in this situation.

“What can I say, she knows how to embarrass me.” 

No-one says anything, conversation going silent and I wish someone would talk, anyone would talk, but no-one does. They all stand, looking between each other like they all know something I don’t and I want to hit all of them over the head, someone say something!

“So, you guys had an awesome practice today, we can see you guys improving more and more, it’s pretty amazing. You did really well too, Tanaka. No wonder they’re going to make you a captain!” Narita tries to help calm my ease but fuck, did he just make it worse? Now Tanaka has to talk and that captain comment is probably going to make him insecure and It’s going to be my fault because I don’t know how to talk and rationalise like a normal human being, instead, I lie about simple things like a dating app, and not know when a guy isn’t into me but is getting over a broken heart by using me-

“Vice Captain, Ennoshita is going to be captain.” His voice is low, sending chills right down my spine and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, the warmth that he puts there and I close my eyes for a moment, feeling the warmth embrace me, despite the hint of spite that was in his voice. 

Again, no-one says anything, the atmosphere awkward and heated, and when I open my eyes again, they are gone, down the hill and laughing with Kiyoko and I don’t think I’ve seen Tanaka smile like he is since being on this trip. Have I ruined him? Have I ruined me?

“Ennoshita! You promised a practice with me, let’s go!” All eyes turn to me from Daichi’s voice booming across the space and I want to shrink in on myself and hide until it’s time to go home. That sounds like a good idea, right? But Daichi’s looking at me, waiting, and there are still lingering eyes and I don’t want to disappoint, it’s always the disappointment that I’m afraid of.   
So I stand, wobbling from my nerves that have got my muscles tight yet wandering, almost falling down the hill and I force myself to stop, flexing my hands and taking deep breaths, feeling the tears pricking my eyes and I don’t know why, feeling the knots in my stomach and the shortness of my breath even though I try to even my breathing. There are still eyes on me and I want to move, want to get away from them but I am locked in place, panic settling in and I feel very alarmed and very afraid and very thankful for Daichi, who is a true captain when he grabs me by the arm and pulls me into the gym, taking me to a corner unseen by the people outside and he sits me down.

My knees rise to my chest and I don’t know if I have been making these noises the whole time, like I’m struggling to breathe and I feel like I could be, my heart pounding and the feeling I’m not getting any air into my lungs, head swarming with too many things, so I lower it onto my knees and I throw my arms over so they clutch the back of my shirt, hiding my face and I find myself rocking, feeling nauseous and I can’t breathe. I’m trying to breathe but I can’t.

“Ennoshita, listen to me, listen to my voice, think only of that, okay, you’re going to be fine, just focus on one spot on the floor, just one.” The voice is too soft to be Daichi’s but I listen anyway, staring at a black scuff from someone’s sneaker but it doesn’t help, I feel like a wave that’s about to crash violently onto shore. 

“Now, breathe with me, Ennoshita, in-“ Whoever it is takes a deep breath in and I try, but I can’t hold it, I need to breathe quickly or I can’t breathe at all.

The not-Daichi takes my arms and wraps them around my middle instead, almost as though I am hugging myself and my eyes stay on the mark, even though I could see the face if I wanted to.

“Ennoshita, if you want this to be over with, you need to listen to me and you need to breathe, in-“ I take a deep breathe in, trying to hold it for as long as I can and I begin to panic, like my body wont warn me that I need to breathe when he talks again,

“Out, nice and slow, Ennoshita, you got this.” I breathe out, slow and purposeful and we continue the routine for I don’t know how long until I feel like myself again, or rather, a more shaken up version of myself.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have panic attacks, Ennoshita?” Daichi, finally talking, which causes embarrassment because not only was it someone other than Daichi who was helping me, Daichi was just watching me fall apart. 

“I don’t normally,” I can’t find myself to say anything else, to explain anything and I continue to breathe on my own, body still trembling with nerves, still too afraid to look up. 

“But you get pretty bad anxiety, I’ve seen it.” Not-Daichi speaks and I can hear the voice clearer now, but I still can’t decipher who it is.

“I can handle it.” Can I? If this happened with no real trigger, can it happen again?

“Obviously you can’t, and that’s okay,” Daichi, trying to be the Captain, trying to talk sense and be reasonable. How can I do that? How can I be captain when I can’t even hold myself together?

“Make Tanaka captain, Daichi,” My words must have confused Daichi and Not-Daichi because there are no words for a moment, a faint buzzing in my ear while I continue to breathe and I might have been able to forget they were even here, if it wasn’t for the constant state of discomfort in my stomach, afraid of what either one will say next.

“Asahi, could you give us a moment?”

I look up to see the gentle giant leave, body tucked in on itself and I need to thank him for what he’s done and I’m about to open my mouth when Daichi’s movement catches my eye. He’s taking a ball from the oversized basket, ducking underneath the net, bouncing the ball like we’re about to play basketball and he remains scarily silent, not looking at me, not really looking at anything and goosebumps begin to form on my arms, hairs standing on end.

For the longest time there is silence, until there is the sound of rushing wind by my ear, slight air hitting my face and I’m shocked back to reality. Daichi is looking at me now, not showing any signs of regret for spiking a ball right past my head.

“Get up, you promised me a practice.” Daichi grabs another ball, spinning it in the palm of his hand as he waits for me, so I stand, mentally preparing myself for one of Daichi’s stern speeches but once more, he says nothing. He raises an eyebrow in question and I nod, spreading my legs, and standing in a squat like motion, ready for the physical beating Daichi is about to give me. 

His spike is powerful, nearly enough force to knock me to the ground and I jump, spiking it back with the same amount of force and the next time Daichi hits, I miss, landing harshly on my side, taking my time to climb back to my feet.

“Again, Ennoshita.” I toss the ball back over the net to him, getting in position and this happens at least a dozen and 5 purple bruises more until he talks.

“Why did you say that before? Make Tanaka captain and not you.” He receives a spike I sent, slamming his knees to the flooring and the spike over to the other end of my court, causing me to run and spike it backwards, tapping into the net and only just falling into Daichi’s court.

I watch as Daichi picks up the ball, spinning it a few times in his palm as he waits for an answer. “Obviously he as more of a presence, especially with the kohai’s, they worship him and isn’t it better that they respect their captain more than their co-captain?” 

He stays silent, so I know he is thinking it over, but that fact alone doesn’t make my stomach turn any less, knots in my throat and a sweat break down my back. This time, Daichi’s serve is slow, purposeful and I know he’s taking it easy for our conversation. 

“Ennoshita, who do you think chose for you to be captain?” I hit back, which is basically like a tap and I raise my eyebrow in a, ‘are you really asking me that?’, type of way and Daichi says nothing, so I guess that means I actually need to respond.

“You did, obviously. Captain chooses Captain.” Again, he is silent as he receives and as he spikes, taking a moment to breathe.

“No, I didn’t choose you, Ennoshita. I thought the same thing you are now. I thought Tanaka would make Captain since he basically plays first line, he knows how to rile the team up and he knows all the rules. Tanaka would make a great captain.” He says nothing further, and the wheels in my head spin, if Daichi didn’t choose me to be captain, then who did? 

“Suga?” He spikes the ball over to my court with the shake of a head and I catch the ball straight, completely against the rules of the game. If it wasn’t Suga, and it was meant to be…?

“Tanaka told you to pick me?” He says nothing and I know that’s the answer that I need and I start to feel sick again. I drop the ball, taking three steps back before falling to my knees. 

Tanaka. The boy who appears broken at the idea of being Vice Captain, the one who cheers everyone up, the one who charges us into victory. Tanaka, the man, who is way too good to me. 

Daichi walks out of the gymnasium, like he didn’t just drop the mother of a bombshell on me and I hear nothing but static. He makes it so difficult to stay mad at him, to try not to fall for him harder and harder everyday, especially when he is so selfless. 

I don’t know how long I sit there, contemplating what to do or what to say, but I’m distracted by the sounds of laughter outside. I stand, stumbling as I walk outside, and I know that I shouldn’t look as I go past but I do, my eyes find Tanaka’s, the steely grey watching my movement and buy the way he scratches his jaw, he knows that I know. 

I need time away, time to myself, to think properly, not to give it a half-ass go and shove everything under a mental carpet. With everything going on, this is all too much.

The heat of the direct sun causes sweat to travel down my back, my muscles going tense as I walk back towards the cabin, feet moving faster than I anticipated that I would. The sun is heavy on my back, straining my muscles and I fight the urge to cry from frustration.

Kuroo, Daichi, Suga, Oikawa, Nishinoya, Tanaka, all people that are causing some form of conflict in my life. Do they all link together? Obviously, Tanaka is the boy I have been pining over for god knows how long, Nishinoya, his best friend, the one who knows Tanaka better than anyone, knows all his secrets. Daichi, the team captain who has more secrets than he lets on, making the decisions that can make or break my next year at high school with the help of Suga, who has some odd relationship with Oikawa, one that none of us even knew about. It makes me wonder, who does know? Obviously Kuroo, Bokuto and Kenma know bits and pieces. But what about Daichi? Asahi? And then there is Kuroo himself, finding some reason to get involved with me to only decide he couldn’t be bothered anymore, also involving himself in other team-mates. His relationship with Hinata was low-key, but did Daichi know? Otherwise, why would Suga tell me to be careful about mentioning Kuroo to Daichi? Did something happen there? Is this all one big conspiracy theory?

Jesus, Ennoshita, calm down. Not everyone is out to get you. Stop focusing on everyone else, focus on yourself.

The cabin calls itself to me like a lake in a Sahara Desert, a saviour that I didn’t know I was looking for. The humidity from outside carries itself inside the small building, the sound of whirring fans and the buzzing of the fridge fills the deafening silence in the room. I’m alone, and I don’t know what to do. 

Our room smells of teenage boy, a mixture of bodyspray, body odour and oddly enough, rotten food. There are clothes strewn all over the room, anything from clean boxers to smelly gym socks. There are some neatly made beds, like mine and Suga’s, and there are the clearly slept in beds that belong to the likes of Hinata and Nishinoya. The room is an accurate representation of my mind; jumbled. 

How can I get over Tanaka when he does things like this? Things that make me want to strangle him out of frustration yet kiss him out of adoration. How does one go from getting swarms of bee’s in their stomach every time they see the person that makes their heart stop beating, even if only for a moment, to attempting to get over them with the flip of a switch? What was I even thinking? I was never over Tanaka, I still am not over him. In my thick head, I know we will never work but there will always be that stupid linger of doubt that I can’t push away. He doesn’t want me. Why would he? Even if Tanaka did like males, he would never think of me that way. I am nothing special, even if he makes me feel like the most special person in the world, just from a glance my way. What I would give to be important to someone. To be loved. To be the only thing they needed. The first thing they thought of every morning and the last thing every night. What I would give. 

Instead, I get stupid feelings for a stupid boy when I know that he will never return those same stupid feelings because stupid is all I am to anyone. Daichi doesn’t even want me to be team Captain, for crying out loud. Why would Tanaka tell Daichi to choose me?

“Because you’re smart. You think things through, you aren’t reckless. You know what you are doing, you know the plays like the back of your hand and you never let your team down. You are one of the only people who can keep me in line, well, as in line as I can get, and you never give up on us. On me.” 

Fuck these stupid butterflies. 

Tanaka stands leans in the doorway, one leg hooked around the other and his arms crossed over his chest and there is light barely scraping the top of his shaved head that gives him a halo effect and his grey eyes, the eyes that bear the weight of a storm, are on me. Why can’t you let me get over you? Why does this have to be so hard? You’ve already said my feelings disgust you, how was that not enough?

“You looked really confused, woe is me, right? I thought it might have been about the captain thing,” Tanka shrugs, removing himself from his perch and taking long, slow and purposeful steps towards me. I might have been thinking about the captaincy, but that isn’t the only thing occupying my mind. 

My breath catches in my throat, feeling my hands begin to tremble at his proximity, and he’s gotten so close, it’d be impossible for him not to notice. If he does, he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t even flinch. The toes of his shoes scrape with my bare feet and I wonder when I even took my shoes off, most of the past hour seems nothing but a blur to me. 

“You were meant to be captain,” If there were more to me sentence, it never made its way past my tongue. My mouth has gone dry and there is a rumble in my head, where nothing makes sense but Tanaka, standing so close to me that the heat from him radiates, warming me in places I didn’t even know were cold. If he can do this from a step away, what could he do if he were holding me?

“I was.” He says it so simply, like the sentence doesn’t alter everything. I don’t deserve the captaincy, he does. But he is selfless, and I am underserving. 

“They don’t want me to be captain-“ I can feel it happening again. The panic. My toes begin to feel numb and tremors start up my body. My heart, which moments before was struggling to beat, is now beating too fast, my brain thinking too much.

“They do. I do. Chika, breathe,” There it is again. Chika. 

Why do you make this so hard, Ryuu?

Tanaka pauses, as though he heard what I said, but he couldn’t. Right? I was talking to myself, wasn’t I? I don’t remember speaking aloud but for the first time since his unexpected arrival, Tanaka looks unsure. His hands rise and I almost flinch in my trembling daze, only now realising that my breathing is laboured, body visibly shaking and Tanaka rests his hands on either side of my head, fingers tightening a hold in my hair and for a fraction of a moment, I swear he started playing the strays at the edge of my neck. 

“Chikara, look at me,” I can’t. Can’t you see that this is killing me? You are killing me. 

He pauses, and when I won’t meet his eyes, he gets closer, close enough that his things are pressed flesh on mine and if I wasn’t already breathing funny, I would be now. I struggle to swallow my breath and I don’t want to. If I breathe him in, that will be the end of me. He’s too close, too close and I can smell the rubber and sunshine on his skin, the lingering scent of beef on his breath from his lunch and then there are his hands. Hands roughed by callouses and harsh play for the last 16 years, warm to the touch and I fear that if Tanaka wasn’t holding me, I’d be falling into a sea of grey. Grey? Just like-

“That’s right, Chika, look at me, keep looking,” Keep looking? I don’t even know where my mind is, what am I even seeing? All I can see is grey. Cool, calm, collected grey eyes- oh. “Did that help? Asahi says that when people have a panic attack, it’s good to get them to focus on one thing,” 

And just like that, Tanaka lets me go and gives me one of his dazzling smiles. A smile so bright the sun is put in envy. We don’t deserve that kind of light here on Earth. Tanaka is too Godly for this world. I don’t deserve him. 

I stumble backwards, my foot catching on one of the cots and I fall back onto my hands, unscathed but certainly feeling centred to the universe once more. I never realised that my vision was fuzzy. That the corners of my eyes went dark. But my eyes almost hurt with the saturation returning to play, the room returning to it’s golden state and it’s almost fitting, since Tanaka seems far too like an angel. 

 

“You said you were struggling with math,” My voice is hoarse, scraping up my throat like fingers on a chalkboard and Tanaka flinches at the sound.

“What?” He does that thing again. Where he tilts one side of his head up higher than the other, disproportioning his face and he is beautiful. 

“Last night. You told me you were struggling with math. Would you maybe wanna start studying earlier? So you have plenty of time to catch your grades up?” 

If grins could tear skin, Tanaka’s face would be clean in half. His smile is wide, I swear he must be off balance with a smile like that and fuck me, it makes me smile back.

“That would be awesome, let’s kick normal’s ass!” Tanaka tears off to find his books in the back corner where his bag is opened, and half the insides emptied onto the floor. 

Normal. I can do normal. We have a week and a half left of the trip. I can pretend that I’m not dying internally for that long. 

“Let’s do normal,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is honest to God, no excuse for not updating for as long as I have.   
> I am a horrible human being! But not to worry, we have a new update, thanks to a comment that reminded me I still have an unfinished piece of work!  
> I have already started the next chapter and with the ideas I have in mind for you guys, the new chapter should be out in a few days, I swear of it!  
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!   
> What ship would you guys want to see for the next part of this series?   
> (BTW, it's the same story line concept, just in someone else's point of view, i.e - Nishinoya and Asahi, Kuroo and Hinata, Suga and Oikawa ect)


	9. Heaven and Hell, take me with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't tell ya, you gotta read it

Unlike last night, my dreams were not full of hot kisses and breathless moments.   
Instead, they were clawing at the skin, from the inside, creatures from the beyond trying to escape the darkness that is beginning to consume my body. I’m not sure if I was dreaming or not. 

Tonight, I have a jumper. It’s small, some would say it’s too form fitting. If I weren’t wearing a shirt underneath, the skin from my hip to my bellybutton would be revealed. It does little to protect me from the brutal wind, strong enough that the wooden porch groans.   
The sky is still dark, and if there are stars, they are hiding, not allowing any light onto the campus, leaving me in the complete and utter darkness. 

I’m not sure of the time, my phone left in the room to charge and my finger ache from how hard they are pulling on my sweatpants, as though clenching my hand into a fist will stop the chill that racks my body. 

I am still unsure of my feelings.   
On the one hand, I can’t get Tanaka calling me a “fag” out of my mind. But on the other, I can’t help but think about how he gave me half of his meal and how he gave up captaincy for me. None of this makes any sense, and it’s not as though I am going to ask him. That would be weird, right?

“We gotta stop meeting like this, Chikara.” It’s weird to hear Nishinoya talk quietly, not in his usual booming voice that can make your hairs stand on end. I can’t see him in the dark, but I can hear the scratch of cloth and a grind of metal before I see the lit end of a cigarette, the smell burning my nose instantly. 

“You gotta stop smoking.” I retort with a short laugh, hoping to be witty and I wrap my arms around myself, pulling my legs up tighter. Did it just get colder out here?

Nishinoya doesn’t respond, not for a while. He sits there, smoking his cigarette and breathing heavily. Every now and then his phone screen lights up with messages, the icon showing Asahi’s face and I try to not read his messages. They’re private, between two people but with it being the only light in the world of darkness, my eyes can’t stray away. Asahi is worried. Always worrying. I feel like I am violating them, and who knows, I probably am. In the years I have known him, I have never seen Nishinoya be so gentle with someone, even over text. He even taps the key’s quietly, as though Asahi will know that he was anything but soft. 

“You can ask you know.” The screen goes black and I avert my eyes, pretending as though I don’t know what he means.

“Ask what?” I give an awkward cough and Nishinoya laughs. Softly. Is this a parallel universe?

“You can ask what you have been dying to ask me since we started this trip.” How does he know? It feels weird, being given this free pass to ask whatever I want. For as long as I can remember, being … gay … was a disgrace to the family. It is to my family. It’s odd to think that there have been so many people going through the same thing around me, some of them close to me. And I didn’t know. Just like they didn’t know. 

“Are you and Asahi…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish the question, but Noya knows what I want to know. He drops the amber light onto the floor and with the scrape of dirt and the crunch of what I assume is his shoe against gravel, the light is out, leaving, once again, no remaining light round us. 

“Together? Yeah, he’s my boyfriend. I’m his boyfriend. We’re as together as two people can be. But we’re complicated. Asahi has issues, I have issues, being in a relationship doesn’t always mean that it’s easy.” My heart feels like it’s bleeding. 

“Are you guys ashamed?” Dear God, that did not just come out of my mouth, did it? Ennoshita, you insensitive prick!

“Asahi is,” Wait, what? “He has a total homophobic father and they have issues that they need to work on and it makes him afraid of what others will think. I mean, he basically has no relationship with his dad so the whole thing sucks, but it doesn’t break him. What happens when the people he actually loves don’t accept who he is?” 

I feel like all the blood has drained from my body. It feels like there is static in my ears and a tremor in my heart. Could it be? Could it be possible that Nishinoya has just voiced all my fears? That I can’t truly accept my feelings for Tanaka because I don’t know how my friends and family will react? That I can’t truly determine my sexuality when I have so many fears being thrown at me in all different directions? 

“What are you guys doing up so early? It’s barely ass crack of dawn,” Tanaka’s laugh scares the crap out of me, my skin almost tearing off my bones in fright and it causes him to laugh harder, so loud that I’m sure some of the others inside have woken from the obnoxious sound. Nishinoya, who was considered grim a moment before, turns and smiles and the bald wing-spiker, standing to his feet and they bump fists. 

I look away from the scene and find that Tanaka was right. It is the ass crack of dawn. There is a faint glow behind the surrounding tree’s, an orange tint to the otherwise darkness and it feels warm, despite the cold air, like the colour can radiate warmth to places the chill cannot touch. 

“You didn’t answer my question, Chikara, what are you doing up?” Tanaka bounds across the porch to sit beside me on the steps, wearing baggy black tracksuit pants and a form-fitting white jacket – his form-fitting jack looks superb, and then there is the garbage I wear – and he sits so close that I can feel the heat from his skin and if I close my eyes, I could almost pretend we were lying in bed with that cozy kind of warmth surrounding us. However, I keep my eyes open because there is no point pretending that things are different than the way that they are, no matter how much I want them to bed. God, why does Tanaka make this so hard?

“Just can’t sleep, I guess.” Tanaka shrugs and I look around, finding Noya has disappeared again, and I don’t bother asking where. It’s a rare occasion when Noya is away from Asahi, and now I know why.

What is there to say? Tanaka leans back against his hands, his knee tapping against mind as his long leg swings from side to side, almost teasingly and I know he is looking somewhere else. My stomach isn’t doing summersaults like they do when I can feel him looking at me. 

Tanaka clears his throat, looking nonchalant as he asks, “So, what did Noya talk to you about?” 

“You know, the usual, naked women and volleyball.” And he laughs. Tanaka laughs so hard he has to sit upright, holding his stomach and his ears turn red. He truly is beautiful. I can feel his laughter in my lungs, tightening them, making it harder for me to breathe. Fuck. 

“So I’m assuming he told you about Asahi?” His grey eyes find mine, the right side of his lips tilted into a sensual smirk and he folds his arms over his knees, head laying over them and looking innocent. Too bad I know otherwise.

“I’m assuming you know about Asahi?” The left side of his lips tilt up and I want to hide away. Why would someone that beautiful be smiling at me?

“He’s my best friend. Course I know about him and Asahi, I know all his secrets.”

“And he knows all of yours?”

Tanaka stills, the smile on his lip faulters and if I could, I would kick myself, right in the balls, because that’s what my heart feels like when I make him feel anything less than happy. 

“He does, even if I don’t want him to.” 

We’re saved from anymore awkwardness when Suga pushes the screen door open, looking glad to see us. 

“There you guys are, time to get ready for warm-ups. You guys doing okay?” Suga looks concerned, looking between Tanaka and I and I begin to wonder, what type of mess do we look like to other people?

“Just peachy, Suga.” I stand, avoiding Tanaka’s curious eyes as I step inside, hearing the rumble of half-sleeping teenagers.

Daichi is trying to wake Yamaguchi from his slumber, Tsukishima already dressed and holding a notebook of some kind with Kageyama, Asahi and Noya around him, pointing at what is written inside. Now that Nishinoya has told me their secret, I find myself noticing little things. The way that he almost seems to be leaning back onto Asahi, both of them close to the other but Asahi seems to be avoiding touching him in the literal sense, eyes bouncing around the room anxiously until they find me. He looks between me and the Libero in front of him and he does the opposite of what I thought he would do. Instead of blushing and turning pale, he gives me a soft smile, and my heart, which I didn’t realise was heavy, grows lighter and if they could beat with happiness, I know it would. 

“You are all over the place, you know that?” Narita yawns as he scratches his stomach, looking out of it and Kinoshita is still changing in the corner, almost falling over in the process.

“I know. Everything’s a mess.” I walk around him, kneeling to my bag and my phone lights up, a reminder showing on my home-screen about the message I received yesterday from the boy in Tokyo. 

“Did you get a response?” 

I reach over, turning my screen off when Kinoshita strides over, legs seemingly longer than usual.

“Who got a response?”

“Ennoshita did-“

“Ennoshita got a response from who?” 

The hairs on my arms stand. My stomach feels queasy and I feel as though I might vomit and despite the chill in the air, sweat breaks out on my forehead. Tanaka. I didn’t hear him come in, but of course he would. Suga came out to get us, it was stupid of me to think he wouldn’t come back in the change. My eyes stare daggers into Narita, attempting to plead with him. Why would I think that something would finally go my way?

“Some guy on some app- Ow! Kinoshita, what the fuck man? That hurt!” Narita is holding his shin and I want to bless Kinoshita for kicking him, but I’m distracted by Tanaka. He looks distant, more distant than I have ever seen him. His arms have dropped from their usual stance across his chest to sit at his side, like he doesn’t even have the energy to hold himself up. Why is he acting like this? Shouldn’t he be happy? No, of course not! He called you a fag, maybe him hearing about some other guy grosses him out? But how is he okay with Noya and Asahi if that were the case? No, that’s different. Nishinoya is his best friend. I’m just the Captain to his Co-Captain. He just put me there in the first place? What does this all mean?

“Ennoshita?” Suga is kneeling beside me and I feel like the biggest drama queen, my stomach churns and it feels as though my intestines are knotting together, my hands start shaking. Why am I shaking? “I think you need to sit it out today, you don’t look well.”

“No, no, I can still come-“ 

“Suga is right, Ennoshita. If you are sick, you need to rest.” Daichi stands behind Suga, attracting the attention of the other team-mates, those who weren’t already paying attention. I nod, squeezing my eyes shut. Anything, anything to stop everyone from staring at me. Why am I even panicking so much? 

Such a drama queen, get over yourself, Ennoshita!

I drop from my kneeling position to sitting on my ass, sitting against the wall and I bring my knees to my chest and I feel a wet cloth being placed on my head. Opening my eyes, I find it’s Asahi, always saving me.

“Thank you,” I’m not sure if he heard, my voice coming out nothing but a whisper, but he smiles, and that’s enough of a response for me. I can see why Nishinoya loves him. Wants to protect him. 

The floorboards creak under the weight of pubescent boys moving in their gym shoes, rushing around for last minute items before exiting to the gym. Kinoshita and Narita say nothing to me as they leave, obviously trying to give me space. What if I don’t need space? What if I need someone to talk to?

“If you’re staying here today, I’m leaving you in charge of laundry. Whatever is in the basket. There’s instructions above the machine. Feel better soon.” Daichi speaks so quickly before walking out the door that my aching brain hardly registers it all. Laundry. At one point. Right now, all I want is sleep. To feel nothing for a while. I am over feeling like a weak person. Like someone who needs taking care of. Why can’t I be powerful? Why can’t I be desired? But don’t they fall under the same category? Is being desired and being powerful the same thing?

 

I don’t remember falling asleep.   
But I wake up with a sore neck. The room is bare, still smelling like teenage boy and the atmosphere feels tense. Like it’s waiting for something to happen. Sitting upright, I reach for my phone. 11:39am. They’d be stopping for lunch soon, but no-one would be back until around 5:30. There was something that I was meant to do but I can’t place my finger on what exactly it was. What was it? Dammit, why can’t I remember?

I stand, feeling my joints crack under the weight and I groan, getting a throb in my head and by instinct, I raise my hands and hold my head, massaging my temples. God, I feel like I’m hungover. Why did I fall asleep on the floor? 

It feels too quiet, which I should find helpful with my pulsing head, but it feels wrong. Living in a world where Tanaka and Nishinoya exist, silence feels strange. What do I do? What did I do? Was that another panic attack this morning? Is it normal to have so many? If it wasn’t a panic attack, what was it? 

Laundry. I was meant to do laundry. I’ll do it once I make my bed. I’ll tidy all my things first. Clean house, clean mind, they say. That’s what it is, isn’t it?

Knowing the movements by heart, my hands don’t need instructions to make the bed nor to place all my belongings in my bag and I finish cleaning my things all too quickly. This should be what I need shouldn’t it? Silence to figure myself out. Why does it seem so wrong?

Nishinoya said that Asahi is ashamed of being gay. Am I ashamed of being gay? Am I even gay? I mean, I don’t think that I have ever looked at a girl in a way that was platonic, but I also don’t think that I even looked at guys any other way either, aside from Tanaka and that brief episode I had wit Kuroo. I don’t even think I really liked Kuroo, was it just the fact he was my first kiss? Can the whole thing that Kuroo and I shared even be considered a thing? It lasted less than 48 hours and it sucked. Aside from the training camp, back home, my family would disown me. My parents already stopped talking to my gay uncle and said, “it’s people like him that bring family value down, it’s people like them that go to hell”. Will I really be condemned to hell? For something that I can’t control? Why would God send anyone to hell if he made everyone to be perfect? Isn’t that what the bible says? God makes no mistakes? If that is so, why are gays labelled as villains, especially when all they want is to love and be loved in return, just like anyone. Just like me. 

The laundry room is at the other end of the house, an area I haven’t familiarised myself with yet but with the layout of the house, finding it is easy. Daichi was right, there is a full basket of clothes and an instructions spreadsheet above the washer. Basically, the same as any other washing machine. I start to load the machine, trying to avoid thinking about how many male “parts” have touched these and I don’t know if I feel slightly turned on or majorly grossed out. 

“Ennoshita,” I drop the pile that was in my hands and turn to the sound. Tanaka. Why can’t I be free of these chains around my heart? He looks red in the face and his chest is heaving, as though he ran here from the other side of the school, and he probably did.

“Tanaka? What are you doing here?” He steps into the room, reaching up and scratching the back of his bald head and I struggle to tear my eyes away from his biceps that are tight in his jersey. Oh dear God, he is sweaty, why is that turning me on?

“Are you okay?”

“What?”

He steps closer, eyes as cool as steel holding their gaze with my own and I feel trapped in place, like I couldn’t move, even if I wanted to. 

“You were fucked up this morning, are you okay?” Fucked up? Fuck, I can’t believe I almost forgot about that.

“I’m fine-“

“Good, because I am going to kill you.” Tanaka stalks towards me and even though the washing machine is barely full, he slams the door closed and I jump back, tripping against the wall and my heart begins to race.

“Why? What’s going on?” 

I feel the world pause for a moment, my heart leaping out of my chest and I reach forward to stop the inevitable, fearing the aftermath of what is about to come. Tanaka throws his fist into the wall. No-where near me, but within distance that I swear I can hear the skin on his bare knuckles split. Within the next second, Tanaka is across the room and in my bubble, standing so close I can smell the perspiration on his skin, overpowering his musky smelling aftershave and I would be drooling if the moment weren’t so dire. His hand is bloody already, and I can smell the metallic taste strong enough that I can feel it on my tongue. 

“Who the hell is the guy that messaged you?” What? I feel my body sag with exhaustion from my minimal hours of sleep and I want to lean against him, for him to hold me in his strong arms and to be able to smell him, so badly I want that. 

“Just some guy on this dating app I signed up for.” There’s no point in lying. The truth comes out anyway, obviously. 

“Why the fuck would you sign up for a dating app?” His eyes are so grey that almost appear transparent, and all I can see is myself in his eyes. 

“I don’t know. I just did-“

“’I just did’? What fucking reason is that?” His voice is mocking me, and I grit my teeth. Two people shouting at each other is not going to make this any better.

“Why do you care?”

Tanaka looks destroyed. His face slacks, looking as though I have punched him, and he steps away as though I disgust him. I don’t feel sorry. I hate that he is feeling this way, but I am feeling horrible too. 

“What?”

“Why do you care? I’m just some disgusting fag, aren’t I?” Oh, Tanaka. You look so broken. 

“How-what? Why would you fucking say that?” If Tanaka had any hair, I feel as though this would be the moment he would be pulling at it out of frustration. Alas, he rubs the back of his bald head instead, not sure whether to be mad or upset, it seems. 

“I thought you were over that.” He locks his jaw, face growing tight. Mad it is. 

“I am, but that doesn’t mean the words didn’t hurt. Why do you care so much?” He shakes his head, so violently I think his head will fall off his shoulders.

“You know why.” 

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what I mean, all I know is that I can't stop thinking about you and that I don't want to!"

I suck in a breath, and Tanaka looks like his has stopped. His eyes grow wide, chest heaving, and his hands are shaking. I fall back against the wall for the time I cannot even count. 

“Tanaka?” 

Grey eyes find mine, so transparent that I can see myself. For once, I feel beautiful. 

He steps closer.

“Chikara, I can’t help feeling the way I do, I know that now.”

Another step. My heart has failed. I need CPR.

“Everything in my mind is so fucked over this and it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve the way that I treated you,”

Fuck me, another step. I can’t breathe.

“I find myself dreaming of you and I’m always wanting to kick myself for the things I say to you,”

Lord almighty, another step. Am I dreaming?

“I don’t want to be your friend. I want you, in any way possible for forever and I can’t help but feel that that will never be close enough, never be long enough but I want you.”

Tanaka is right in front of me, eyes pooling with tears, tan skin gone pale from the shock of his own words and I want to scream “tell me about it”. His body has shrunk, making him smaller and his voice is quiet, however demanding all the attention in the room, even if it is only me. 

“Chikara?” Say something, dumbass. He poured his heart out to you and you’re standing there like a doll, what are you doing?

“Kiss me.” What the fuck did I just say? 

Both our eyes widen, every nerve ending in my body comes alive the second that Tanaka’s hand hesitantly touches my cheek, as though he is afraid he will hurt me. Silly boy. Doesn’t he know? No matter how many times he hurts me, I always come running back. His other arm wraps around my back, pulling me into him, flush against his skin and that heat that I have been feeling radiating off him the last week and a half, I can finally physically feel, and it’s glorious. His eyes search my face, looking for a sign of disgust or regret, but I’m sure all he finds is relief and adoration. He is gentle with me, oh so gentle as he inches his face forward, lips barely brushing mine and I want to scream to hurry up. Kiss me before I die.

And he does. His lips are chapped and dry, warm to the touch and my eyes close in ecstasy. It’s finally happening. I’m finally getting the kiss that I have been craving. As though what he said before were true, Tanaka presses me closer to him, like we aren’t close enough and my heart can’t take it. My lips move with his, feeling more confident than I ever have and my arms wrap around his shoulders, fingers lightly scratching the nape of his neck and fuck me, Tanaka groans against my mouth. It’s the most sensual thing that I have ever heard.

He started so soft, as though he was savouring the taste of me, of us, finally feeling us flushed together. And then it wasn’t enough, never enough. I squeak in surprise with both of Tanaka’s large hands wrap around the back of my thighs, lifting me up and my teeth scrape over his lip, tasting metal immediately. Despite the urgency in our kiss, he is gentle as he places me atop the washing machine and my legs go around his waist, pulling him flush against me. There isn’t an inch of his skin that isn’t touching an inch of mine. Our breathing is heavy, gasping between kisses and my heart is thrumming in my ears. My fingers ache as they trail down his arms, feeling the muscles tighten beneath the skin, like he is losing control over my touch and the thought drives me wild. 

This is what it’s like to be desired. 

His tongue tickles my lower lip and without thought, my mouth opens, and the feeling is wet and heavy, his tongue curls around mine and my stomach tightens, hold growing tighter around his arms and he is right. It’s never enough. The kiss is heated, urgent and it’s full of adoration. Tanka is gasping into my mouth, breath hot on my cheek when he breathes out of his nose and his right hand ends up in my hair, giving a gentle tug and my nails scratch down his arm and fuck, if Tanaka pulling away to moan isn’t the sexiest thing that I have ever heard, I don’t know what is. He continues his loving assault down my neck, teeth nipping at the skin and my bare foot presses hard into his thigh, toes curling and my back arches, giving him more neck room to work with and the feeling in my stomach tightens even more.

My skin feels radioactive, like it’s coming alive and becoming its own being and it cannot be controlled. Not when it grinds up against Tanaka and the moan he makes sends my brain to outer space. I attempt to reign it in, releasing my talons from his arms and let my legs go numb, pulling his face back up to mine and giving him a lingering kiss, sweet enough that the metal begins to taste like honey. 

“Holy fuck, why have I been delaying that?” Tanaka’s face is pink, eyes seemingly glassed over, and he is breathing hard and I’m positive I’m the exact same as him. I grin wide and lower my face to his neck. My heart won’t stop. It can’t stop. Neither can the butterflies in my stomach that are going off, especially when he starts to train his fingers up and down my spine in an oddly ticklish yet calming fashion. Tanaka kisses the side of my head and I become puddy in his arms. Why has he been delaying this? 

“We still have so much to talk about,” Even with my body being in heaven, my muscles still tighten at the words.

“I know, but we have forever.”

“It’s not long enough.”

And I repeat his words. “It never is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been so excited for this chapter that I updated literally within 24 hours, you guys proud?  
> I had so many feels with writing this chapter that I just couldn;t wait to upload and share with you guys?
> 
> Let me know what you guys think!  
> Leave a comment telling me what you guys have liked the best so far and what you think will happen next!

**Author's Note:**

> Also, if you wanna fangirl over this rare-pair with me, come find me on my tumblr
> 
> nishinoyasbae.tumblr.com


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